Today is a day off of school for MLK day. I did some services for work at a privately preschool but otherwise wasn't able to work today because I work in the public schools.
I went into Baby Girls class today to talk about adoption. Most of the kids in her class are 3. She is a week from 4. We talked about who is in a family (grandmas, sisters, brothers, moms dads, cousins,etched) we talked about how we don't live with every member of our family but they still are family. I shared that baby girl has a birth mom that she doesn't live with but is the mom she grew inside. We talked about what makes a family- love. We talked about how all babies are born and the things they need. We talked about how baby girl is going to be a big sister and how we will get a call when they arrive. We read the book The Day we Met you. We used the book to talk about all the things we will need to get ready. At the end we talked about how much love was in everyone's home and that was what made them family.
My friend who also works in the schools came over for a play date w our daughters. Another friend kept texting me so I was ignoring my phone. The kids were eating lunch when the phone rang. Again I ignored it since I had company. I took a sneak peek at who it was while Baby Girl was on time out for spitting at her friend. It was THE AGENCY!!!!
"Hi this is W I have a possible placement for you guys. I'll be busy for the next hour but give me a call after". Click!!
No phone number left and I have to wait an hour!!! I told my friend I think I just got the call. She was so excited and I'm SO panicked.
They left because of plans they had. I texted DH - be available in an hour. He of course asked a million questions but I want to get the call this time and tell HIM!
The agency is closed and I don't have a number so I emailed W in hopes she gets my message. I'm panicking- OMG OMG... I'm sitting on the couch and my heart is racing.... This might be it- or it could be someone else's baby.
I finally got a number for her by texting what I thought was the emergency # for the agency. Not sure who I texted with but I got a # that got to W. She gave me basic info: premie, girl, the state she was in, and that the father was unknown. She told me she would call me again in an hour.
I tried to call DH but he didn't answer. He told me he would call me when he was leaving work. I tried to get him to call me right then. He would call me in 5. He didn't seem to get it. Finally I spoke with him and gave him the details. He informed me he was on his way home anyway and we would chat.
W called again. Again with almost no new information except that the child has a 1/2 sibiling that was adopted last year in our state so although the Mom wants no contact other than pictures once a year there is a possibility for a connection.
We called the pediatricians office, we e-mailed people we knew for a place to stay. We finally called W back before hearing back from either because we agreed that there was no reason not to move forward (except a few details like I don't get maternity leave and there are 18 more weeks in the school year). We will depleate our savings account farther then planned (did I mention we had to buy DH a new car this month but that is good because we now have two cars that are reliable enough to drive to meet baby). After we agreed to move forward with the agency the pediatricians office called and provided us with limited insight that we didn't already have.
Next we got to tell Baby Girl! So I asked her what we had been talking about all day "adoption" she said with a smile. "Do you know what that means?" I asked. "Baby" she smiles. We informed her that just like her the baby with need medicine to feel better and the doctors will help her get stronger. As soon as she is better Dad will bring her home. So DH and I are going to travel tomorrow to NY, then Wed to PA to meet her. I will leave Thursday night to return home, work Friday then pick up Baby Girl from preschool. DH will stay until Baby is discharged from the hospital.
I need a new nick name for Baby Girl or Baby needs a nick name of her own.
SO EXCITED. Can't sleep it 1:41 AM. I have done laundry and packed. Ready to go and meet this girl!!!!
Monday, January 18, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tell him about how she put medicine in my belly
Last week Baby Girl told me her friends at school told her she was lying about being a sister. I could tell she was upset and I asked how it made her feel "sad" she told me. I tried to tease out if she was trying to explain how she was going to be a big sister or if she was telling them about how she had birth siblings. Right now given her birth brothers hospitalization it really could have been either. She said yes to both. Though after she said yes about her birth sibling she asked me "I am a sister already?" I told her yes she has a big brother and sister who love her very much. She told me the baby was taking a very very very very long time to get here.
I spoke with the school and we agreed that I will come in next week to talk about adoption and how different families grow different ways. I told them I would bring in a book of Baby Girls choice to read and talk about adoption- but NOT about Baby Girls story.
On the ride home from school I asked her what she would think about her picking an adoption story to share with her class. She wanted to bring HER story. I explained to her that I thought maybe one of her other adoption stories might be better because she may want to choose who she tells her story to. She thought about it for a moment and decided on a friend that she though she might want to tell. I agreed that a good friend like the one she named would be a good friend to share with.
She then started to ask about the hospital. Why was I in the hospital? I gave my standard line "Because you needed medicine only doctors and nurses could give you." Did I cry? "Yes you cried sometimes." Did I hurt? I took a deep breath- did I want to go there? "Yes I think you did sometimes." I told her and waited for her next question. "Why did I hurt? What hurt?" I explained to her that her muscles hurt and that the medicine the nurses gave her made them feel better. "Why did I need the medicine?" Another deep breath... we are going there. "Before you were born D took medicine she shouldn't have taken without the help of a doctor. Because you were inside of her you also got the medicine. You needed to get that medicine to make your body feel better. Each day we gave you less until you didn't need it any more." She then went on to tell me the part of the story she knew. The part about where we put her in the car and she slept all of the way home from the hospital.
That night I told DH as he was getting dinner ready that we had started to talk more about the hospital and why she was there. Baby girl then jumped in "Tell him about the medicine she put in my belly." The story repeated and we moved on.
I'm not sure that I'm doing this all right. She is going to need to know. I think she is more ready then I am at each change in the story. I want to protect her. I want her to love D. I also need her to know the truth. That is a very hard balance to strike.
I spoke with the school and we agreed that I will come in next week to talk about adoption and how different families grow different ways. I told them I would bring in a book of Baby Girls choice to read and talk about adoption- but NOT about Baby Girls story.
On the ride home from school I asked her what she would think about her picking an adoption story to share with her class. She wanted to bring HER story. I explained to her that I thought maybe one of her other adoption stories might be better because she may want to choose who she tells her story to. She thought about it for a moment and decided on a friend that she though she might want to tell. I agreed that a good friend like the one she named would be a good friend to share with.
She then started to ask about the hospital. Why was I in the hospital? I gave my standard line "Because you needed medicine only doctors and nurses could give you." Did I cry? "Yes you cried sometimes." Did I hurt? I took a deep breath- did I want to go there? "Yes I think you did sometimes." I told her and waited for her next question. "Why did I hurt? What hurt?" I explained to her that her muscles hurt and that the medicine the nurses gave her made them feel better. "Why did I need the medicine?" Another deep breath... we are going there. "Before you were born D took medicine she shouldn't have taken without the help of a doctor. Because you were inside of her you also got the medicine. You needed to get that medicine to make your body feel better. Each day we gave you less until you didn't need it any more." She then went on to tell me the part of the story she knew. The part about where we put her in the car and she slept all of the way home from the hospital.
That night I told DH as he was getting dinner ready that we had started to talk more about the hospital and why she was there. Baby girl then jumped in "Tell him about the medicine she put in my belly." The story repeated and we moved on.
I'm not sure that I'm doing this all right. She is going to need to know. I think she is more ready then I am at each change in the story. I want to protect her. I want her to love D. I also need her to know the truth. That is a very hard balance to strike.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Loving a Birthfamily
Just before Christmas we got an e-mail letting us know that packages for Christmas would be late. Birthbrother was in the hospital with a kidney infection. Baby Girl kept worrying about his ear infection in his back. She was highly confused but still very worried. A few days latter when I e-mailed letting them know that my late package for Christmas had been sent they informed me that he was in a medically induced coma and that he had pneumonia. What a hard time of year to be in the hospital.
A few days ago I tried to figure out what unit he was on in the hospital so I could send something from the gift shop and wasn't able to figure out what unit he was on. So I e-mailed them looking to find out if he had discharged from the hospital. Unfortunately I got an e-mail back today saying that he was still in the hospital.
Included in that same e-mail was an unfortunate fact. D is back in jail. I can't imagine that forgetting to tell us really occurred but maybe rather they hoped that she would be released again on conditions. No such luck. She was arrested just before Christmas stealing and will be in jail on violation of parole.
I e-mailed back telling them that they had a lot on their plate and that we are thinking of them all. We sent love, hugs and hope that all of this passes quickly for them. We are privy to information as they are willing to share it. Our connection is one that will last forever but the guard that makes us not fully family will mean that we don't always get a full story. I didn't ask at this point what this means for our yearly visit. My plan is the same as always. To offer the visit and those that are available we will visit with. This year though if she is in jail will be harder since Baby Girl will need to know that D won't be available. My eye's are welled up just thinking about that prospect that the reality that Baby Girl will soon understand that her Birthmom has made bad choices repetitively in her life- and that is the real reason she couldn't parent- anyone.
A few days ago I tried to figure out what unit he was on in the hospital so I could send something from the gift shop and wasn't able to figure out what unit he was on. So I e-mailed them looking to find out if he had discharged from the hospital. Unfortunately I got an e-mail back today saying that he was still in the hospital.
Included in that same e-mail was an unfortunate fact. D is back in jail. I can't imagine that forgetting to tell us really occurred but maybe rather they hoped that she would be released again on conditions. No such luck. She was arrested just before Christmas stealing and will be in jail on violation of parole.
I e-mailed back telling them that they had a lot on their plate and that we are thinking of them all. We sent love, hugs and hope that all of this passes quickly for them. We are privy to information as they are willing to share it. Our connection is one that will last forever but the guard that makes us not fully family will mean that we don't always get a full story. I didn't ask at this point what this means for our yearly visit. My plan is the same as always. To offer the visit and those that are available we will visit with. This year though if she is in jail will be harder since Baby Girl will need to know that D won't be available. My eye's are welled up just thinking about that prospect that the reality that Baby Girl will soon understand that her Birthmom has made bad choices repetitively in her life- and that is the real reason she couldn't parent- anyone.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
I want your sister to be mine
My sister came just prior to new year and stayed until today. Baby girl and my sister had a blast together. They played baby together. My sister eased the transition from winter break back to school easier for all of us. We let baby girl sleep in a little each day and my sister took her by stroller or sled to school then picked her up a little early. This gave them time alone each day.
We went swimming and to the library. We baked bread. We played Uno and Guess who. We went sledding and had too much fun.
This morning when baby girl woke up my sister was gone. She came to my bed and cried- K is gone! I reminded her that we talked about how this would happen. She climbed into my bed and said "I want K to be my sister and her to by your aunt." I explained to her that's not how it works. I told her she would become a sister. "It's taking tooooo long." She whined. "I'm sorry baby girl I feel the same way."
Tonight we got to watch/read the bedtime story that my sister recorded last night. Which made bedtime easier given that's just me and baby girl tonight with DH working until after we go to bed.
Our conversation this morning makes me sad however I also had siblings. Our friendship took 28 years before it formed and with my younger sister we really have not achieved a strong friendship. I do think the age gab between us made it hard for us to be friends growing up. There is 4-4.5 years between us.
Maybe the hope and anticipation of a sibling will help their bond.
We went swimming and to the library. We baked bread. We played Uno and Guess who. We went sledding and had too much fun.
This morning when baby girl woke up my sister was gone. She came to my bed and cried- K is gone! I reminded her that we talked about how this would happen. She climbed into my bed and said "I want K to be my sister and her to by your aunt." I explained to her that's not how it works. I told her she would become a sister. "It's taking tooooo long." She whined. "I'm sorry baby girl I feel the same way."
Tonight we got to watch/read the bedtime story that my sister recorded last night. Which made bedtime easier given that's just me and baby girl tonight with DH working until after we go to bed.
Our conversation this morning makes me sad however I also had siblings. Our friendship took 28 years before it formed and with my younger sister we really have not achieved a strong friendship. I do think the age gab between us made it hard for us to be friends growing up. There is 4-4.5 years between us.
Maybe the hope and anticipation of a sibling will help their bond.
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