We were out to breakfast with my Aunt from out of town and a friend of hers. Baby Girl was running around the table from person to person. She was being good but her typical strong willed opinionated self. She wasn't being rude and for a 2 year old she was "perfect" for a meal out. My aunts friend commented on how vivacious and smart Baby Girl was. My aunt proudly told her friend that "She gets that from her Mama- you should have seen her when she was a girl." My aunt continued on to say that I was clearly destined to be a mother and this little girl was my match. She then said "Baby Girl is adopted." "Ohhhh?" said her friend. "Well then it doesn't come from her mama." The two of them started bickering over nature vs. nurture and I quietly sat and observed while keeping my eye on my vivacious and smart 2 year old. Her friend finally turned to me and said "Well what do you think?" I then responded that I think Baby Girls Birthmom and I have a lot in common personality wise. I also think that how I parent translates into my childs personality. I let her learn, explore and make choices within the limits I set. I can't claim any trait of Baby Girl as "mine" nor do I think D can. Baby Girl is her own person and clearly her environment as well as her biology plays a role but fundamentally she is Baby Girl. At which point a small hand grabbed mine. Baby Girl looked squarely at my aunts friend and firmly said "MY Mama." and then proceeded to crawl into my lap to cuddle.
Baby Girl gets it.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Adoption Hospital Bag
Last time we waited I packed a hospital bag. I would have put my life on the line that I wrote a blog post about what I packed but I can't find it. I then did a search of my old blog for "bag" and I then remembered how I came up with my hospital bag list. In my Adoption Bloggers Interview from 2011 I asked my friend Maru what she brought with her and from that interview I then packed my bag. I now recall thinking I'd pack the bag- see what I used and then write a post on it... and then I had a baby and no time.
So I'm going to post my hospital bag contents this time:
4 oz Bottles (3 of them)
formula caddy (had slots for pre measured formula)
Nuks (lots of them)
swaddle blankets (3 of them)
PJ's (about a weeks worth)
socks (all the white and blue ones I could find)
NB diapers (8)
spit up rags (lots)
At breast feeder
I then made a list of the things I'll have to run around and grab once we get the call that I'll keep in the packed bag:
-camera/charger
-check for agency
-adoption folder
-cell phones
-chargers
-Photo ID's
-Car seat (check dates)
-Wipes
-diaper cream (baby girl still uses it)
I should probably make a list for things to pack for Baby Girl. I probably dont need to pack anything yet since she is constantly growing. Maybe I can get her something that says "big sister" hmm.... but it will need to fit. Good thought but I'm getting side tracked here.
We were in Philly for a month so I used all of the clothes we brought. D gave Baby girl clothes as did her other family members. Outfits arrived in the mail while we were in the hospital. We had no consistent means of laundry though so I recommend putting aside more than you think you will need. The NICU provided white onsies, spit up rags, diaper cream, NUKS and swaddle blankets. Some items like the diaper cream and NUKS ran out on weekends when the supply closet wasn't being filled. Its not fun to run out of NUKS (when a NUK hits the floor in the hospital its hospital procedure to throw them away- I hid them in my bag and sanitized them at home).
The hospital also provided formula and diapers. We did however have an 8 hour ride home so bottles, & diapers would have been helpful to have had. I didn't end up having time to shop for formula or diapers prior to her discharge and her discharging nurse told me the night before not to worry about it she would "take care of it." (The hospital where I spent from 10-10 each day was in a downtown area so there wasn't anywhere to shop for baby items). The discharging nurse sent us home with a bag full of diapers, formula and nuks.
Since you never know what your call is going to be like I think its easier to over plan and have too much then not be ready and feel like you are missing out on time with your baby while you are forced to shop. Think about will you have to deal with an interstate compact? Will you be traveling by car/plane? Will it be one parent or two?
So our bag is packed and I'm ready for the call... it could gather dust for a year or be whisked off in a month- only time will tell. Happy packing!
Update 1/9/2014:
Need to add a gift for birthmom. For D I brought a yellow rose since that is the color of friendship and a photo album with a note saying that I would send pictures to fill it. Baby Girl also bought Baby2 a Nuk toy thing that holds the Nuk in place for Christmas. I had her help me add that to the hospital bag. She is really excited about Nuks for the baby since she LOVES Nuks. I'm actually a little worried about her stealing Nuks from the baby when s/he comes.
So I'm going to post my hospital bag contents this time:
4 oz Bottles (3 of them)
formula caddy (had slots for pre measured formula)
Nuks (lots of them)
swaddle blankets (3 of them)
PJ's (about a weeks worth)
socks (all the white and blue ones I could find)
NB diapers (8)
spit up rags (lots)
At breast feeder
I then made a list of the things I'll have to run around and grab once we get the call that I'll keep in the packed bag:
-camera/charger
-check for agency
-adoption folder
-cell phones
-chargers
-Photo ID's
-Car seat (check dates)
-Wipes
-diaper cream (baby girl still uses it)
I should probably make a list for things to pack for Baby Girl. I probably dont need to pack anything yet since she is constantly growing. Maybe I can get her something that says "big sister" hmm.... but it will need to fit. Good thought but I'm getting side tracked here.
We were in Philly for a month so I used all of the clothes we brought. D gave Baby girl clothes as did her other family members. Outfits arrived in the mail while we were in the hospital. We had no consistent means of laundry though so I recommend putting aside more than you think you will need. The NICU provided white onsies, spit up rags, diaper cream, NUKS and swaddle blankets. Some items like the diaper cream and NUKS ran out on weekends when the supply closet wasn't being filled. Its not fun to run out of NUKS (when a NUK hits the floor in the hospital its hospital procedure to throw them away- I hid them in my bag and sanitized them at home).
The hospital also provided formula and diapers. We did however have an 8 hour ride home so bottles, & diapers would have been helpful to have had. I didn't end up having time to shop for formula or diapers prior to her discharge and her discharging nurse told me the night before not to worry about it she would "take care of it." (The hospital where I spent from 10-10 each day was in a downtown area so there wasn't anywhere to shop for baby items). The discharging nurse sent us home with a bag full of diapers, formula and nuks.
Since you never know what your call is going to be like I think its easier to over plan and have too much then not be ready and feel like you are missing out on time with your baby while you are forced to shop. Think about will you have to deal with an interstate compact? Will you be traveling by car/plane? Will it be one parent or two?
So our bag is packed and I'm ready for the call... it could gather dust for a year or be whisked off in a month- only time will tell. Happy packing!
Update 1/9/2014:
Need to add a gift for birthmom. For D I brought a yellow rose since that is the color of friendship and a photo album with a note saying that I would send pictures to fill it. Baby Girl also bought Baby2 a Nuk toy thing that holds the Nuk in place for Christmas. I had her help me add that to the hospital bag. She is really excited about Nuks for the baby since she LOVES Nuks. I'm actually a little worried about her stealing Nuks from the baby when s/he comes.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Mine
Baby Girl is 2.5 years old which means everything is hers. "My Dad." "My Opa." "My cat." "My book." "my, mine, my mine my mine..."
Last week my parents visited. My father stepped away for a few minutes in a crowded store. My Baby Girl says to me "Thats MY Opa." To which I responded "yes that is your Opa. You know when your brother or sister arrives they will have the same Opa. You will share the same Opa." To which she responded "No." I explained further "Well thats how it works. Your Opa is my father and your aunts father. My father is the Opa to my children." She was quiet for a minute. She then stated "Then I'm going to say no." I let it go.
Tonight in an attempt to be efficient I was taking Baby Girl to the car to put the groceries away while DH went to the cell phone store to pick up our cell phones. Baby girl says to me "Thats my Dad." I reminded her of our conversation last week that her brother or sister will share her Mom and Dad with her. She then asked me "Why are we going to have a baby?" To which I responded that Mom and Dad wanted to share their love with another baby. This also meant that she would get to have a brother or sister. "Why?" She asked me as we walked up to the woman that needed to check our receipt prior to leaving the store. So I ignored her in order to not have the conversation in front of the woman. Baby Girl then turns to the woman and says "I'm going to get a brother or sister." "Oh- when is the baby coming?" responded the woman. "From my Dad." Baby Girl responded. The women then looked at me, smiled, and responded "What a nice Dad you have."
I think adoption makes the- where do babies come from just a little more of a foreign concept to a 2.5 year old. *sigh*
Last week my parents visited. My father stepped away for a few minutes in a crowded store. My Baby Girl says to me "Thats MY Opa." To which I responded "yes that is your Opa. You know when your brother or sister arrives they will have the same Opa. You will share the same Opa." To which she responded "No." I explained further "Well thats how it works. Your Opa is my father and your aunts father. My father is the Opa to my children." She was quiet for a minute. She then stated "Then I'm going to say no." I let it go.
Tonight in an attempt to be efficient I was taking Baby Girl to the car to put the groceries away while DH went to the cell phone store to pick up our cell phones. Baby girl says to me "Thats my Dad." I reminded her of our conversation last week that her brother or sister will share her Mom and Dad with her. She then asked me "Why are we going to have a baby?" To which I responded that Mom and Dad wanted to share their love with another baby. This also meant that she would get to have a brother or sister. "Why?" She asked me as we walked up to the woman that needed to check our receipt prior to leaving the store. So I ignored her in order to not have the conversation in front of the woman. Baby Girl then turns to the woman and says "I'm going to get a brother or sister." "Oh- when is the baby coming?" responded the woman. "From my Dad." Baby Girl responded. The women then looked at me, smiled, and responded "What a nice Dad you have."
I think adoption makes the- where do babies come from just a little more of a foreign concept to a 2.5 year old. *sigh*
Sunday, August 10, 2014
10 Things I want my children to know about their Adoption
The new "thing" in the world wide web is lists. 5 signs your relationship is failing. The 15 healthiest towns. Tonight I read "10 Things I want my daughter to know about exercise." It got me thinking. What do I want my children to know about their adoptions. Why is it so important to me that I blog about it, talk about it, and dream about it. So I started thinking.... What are the 10 things I want my children to know about their adoption.
1. Your Birthfamilies love you. Each member of each family shows their love differently. Some adults never learned to show their love the same way we show love in our family and because of that sometimes their love is hard to see.
2. There are no stupid questions. There is not a single question we (your parents) are unwilling to answer. We might need a night to think on it and like a lot of hard questions might not know the answer. We will never be able to tell you how someone else feels or what someone else thinks, but we can at least think about it with you.
3. Its OK to feel sad about being adopted. Being adopted means that an adult that cared about you and made a choice not to raise you. This doesn't mean they didn't want you or didn't love you. Its hard to understand how someone could love you so much that they would choose not to get to see you every day- but it is true. Being adopted still means that your life is different than what it would have been had you been raised by your birthfamily. I sometimes myself get sad thinking about you Baby Girl you don't get to spend as much time with D as you want and that your birthsibilings do not get to share in your day to day life.
4. There are people that are uneducated on adoption and its not your job to educate them. There are people that are uneducated on a whole host of topics. It is your choice to educate them or not. There are things about my life I share with very few people. That doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of those memories/stories but rather they are things that I like to protect.
5. There are going to be times you might wish your birthfamily chose to raise you. There are going to be times you wished we gave birth to you. You may wish we chose to keep the birth name your birthfamily gave you. Growing up I often wished my life was different especially after my Mom became sick. In the end the things I wished I could wish a way made me who I am today. Without the things that made me different from others I wouldn't be me. Its OK to try on a different name or wish you lived somewhere else as long as you stay true to yourself- we love you.
6. I sometimes hear people commenting on your physical attributes that make you look different than your mom/dad which often are fishing expeditions to find out if you are adopted or to learn facts about your birthfamily. Baby Girl your blond hair looks just like the blonde hair your mom and dad had as kids. It is also the blonde hair D and J had. You have the same blue eyes your Mom-mom and mom have. People see what they want to see. When it comes down to it you may not look like us but sorry darling you still are like us and looks dont' make a family (though I have to say our family is made up of lookers). The way you talk makes me giggle sometimes because it could have been a recording of one of us. In the end we are all human and your birthfamily and our family have so much in common- the biggest thing being how much we love you.
7. You are not the only one. Maybe in your class at school you are the only one that is adopted but I can assure you there will be others in your class struggling with topics regarding family. The family tree for example isn't so easy for a child with divorced parents. The genealogy project maybe hard for the child whose mom doesn't talk with her family any more. The interview with a grandparent might make another student sad because their grandparents have passed away. Come talk with us and we can help you work thru times where you might feel alone. We are here to help you find out how others have handled these projects. We are willing to help you include your birthfamilies if its something you want to do.
8. We will not end contact with your birthfamily unless you choose to. It is our job as your parents to keep the flame alive so to speak and foster the relationship between you are your birthfamily. At some point we will turn the relationship over to you. Once we turn the relationship over to you it is your choice as to how contact continues.
9. It was love at first sight. Adoption was in our cards from before we got married. Although it is true we found out we couldn't conceive a child biologically we always knew we would have children. We started the adoption process as we continued to learn about why we could not conceive. In the end our desire to become parents was achieved the day we met each of you. Until the day you choose to become a parent I dont think you will fully understand what it was like to lay eyes on you that first day- but it was love at first sight.
10. We are not perfect. Not at all. We have learned a great deal from you. Starting with the adoption process, navigating the world of openness and jumping into becoming Mom and Dad. We still learn each day and realize that we have made mistakes. We do our best each day and when we have misteped we try to do better next time. We expect the same from you. Like all relationships Birthmother/Child; Mom/Child; Birthfather/Child; Dad/Child; Siblings; and so on we need to remember that the other side of the relationship is another person capable of mistakes. We need to try to be understanding and be open to forgiveness. From every corner of your family- you are loved.
What topics did I miss? What do you want your kids to know?
1. Your Birthfamilies love you. Each member of each family shows their love differently. Some adults never learned to show their love the same way we show love in our family and because of that sometimes their love is hard to see.
2. There are no stupid questions. There is not a single question we (your parents) are unwilling to answer. We might need a night to think on it and like a lot of hard questions might not know the answer. We will never be able to tell you how someone else feels or what someone else thinks, but we can at least think about it with you.
3. Its OK to feel sad about being adopted. Being adopted means that an adult that cared about you and made a choice not to raise you. This doesn't mean they didn't want you or didn't love you. Its hard to understand how someone could love you so much that they would choose not to get to see you every day- but it is true. Being adopted still means that your life is different than what it would have been had you been raised by your birthfamily. I sometimes myself get sad thinking about you Baby Girl you don't get to spend as much time with D as you want and that your birthsibilings do not get to share in your day to day life.
4. There are people that are uneducated on adoption and its not your job to educate them. There are people that are uneducated on a whole host of topics. It is your choice to educate them or not. There are things about my life I share with very few people. That doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of those memories/stories but rather they are things that I like to protect.
5. There are going to be times you might wish your birthfamily chose to raise you. There are going to be times you wished we gave birth to you. You may wish we chose to keep the birth name your birthfamily gave you. Growing up I often wished my life was different especially after my Mom became sick. In the end the things I wished I could wish a way made me who I am today. Without the things that made me different from others I wouldn't be me. Its OK to try on a different name or wish you lived somewhere else as long as you stay true to yourself- we love you.
6. I sometimes hear people commenting on your physical attributes that make you look different than your mom/dad which often are fishing expeditions to find out if you are adopted or to learn facts about your birthfamily. Baby Girl your blond hair looks just like the blonde hair your mom and dad had as kids. It is also the blonde hair D and J had. You have the same blue eyes your Mom-mom and mom have. People see what they want to see. When it comes down to it you may not look like us but sorry darling you still are like us and looks dont' make a family (though I have to say our family is made up of lookers). The way you talk makes me giggle sometimes because it could have been a recording of one of us. In the end we are all human and your birthfamily and our family have so much in common- the biggest thing being how much we love you.
7. You are not the only one. Maybe in your class at school you are the only one that is adopted but I can assure you there will be others in your class struggling with topics regarding family. The family tree for example isn't so easy for a child with divorced parents. The genealogy project maybe hard for the child whose mom doesn't talk with her family any more. The interview with a grandparent might make another student sad because their grandparents have passed away. Come talk with us and we can help you work thru times where you might feel alone. We are here to help you find out how others have handled these projects. We are willing to help you include your birthfamilies if its something you want to do.
8. We will not end contact with your birthfamily unless you choose to. It is our job as your parents to keep the flame alive so to speak and foster the relationship between you are your birthfamily. At some point we will turn the relationship over to you. Once we turn the relationship over to you it is your choice as to how contact continues.
9. It was love at first sight. Adoption was in our cards from before we got married. Although it is true we found out we couldn't conceive a child biologically we always knew we would have children. We started the adoption process as we continued to learn about why we could not conceive. In the end our desire to become parents was achieved the day we met each of you. Until the day you choose to become a parent I dont think you will fully understand what it was like to lay eyes on you that first day- but it was love at first sight.
10. We are not perfect. Not at all. We have learned a great deal from you. Starting with the adoption process, navigating the world of openness and jumping into becoming Mom and Dad. We still learn each day and realize that we have made mistakes. We do our best each day and when we have misteped we try to do better next time. We expect the same from you. Like all relationships Birthmother/Child; Mom/Child; Birthfather/Child; Dad/Child; Siblings; and so on we need to remember that the other side of the relationship is another person capable of mistakes. We need to try to be understanding and be open to forgiveness. From every corner of your family- you are loved.
What topics did I miss? What do you want your kids to know?
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Baby2 update
We got home from our vacation in ME today to find a packet from our agency. Its time to renew our fingerprints and update our forms. This means we are marching up to our first year of waiting. Baby Girl was a 15 month wait.
Waiting the first time was extraordinarily hard. Each baby bump was a reminder of the fact that our nest was still empty. I could not go to baby showers and my heart broke so very easily. The hardest part was not knowing. When I would tell people it could be today, tomorrow or next year we don't know it was in a way a reminder that it really could be tomorrow and I prayed that it wasn't another year.
This time we are busy. Really busy. I actually pray that its next year more often then I pray that its tomorrow. I do still find the unknowing part to be the hardest part. If I only knew a due date- what a luxury!
So I'll get the papers in order, I'll get my fingers inked, and I should probably get a baby bag ready... but here we are waiting again an unknown amount of time.
The other big difference this time is the impact on Baby Girl. I know some families have chosen not to share with their child however I think for Baby Girl it would be harder for her for us to suddenly need to go tend to a baby she didn't know would be coming. When the actual situation presents itself we will have to delicately tackle the topic of not knowing if this baby living with us is "her" brother or sister while we wait for termination. I think we talk about adoption enough in our house that if the baby does not turn out to be her sibling that she will be sad but understanding.
I try not to think too far ahead since we wont know the circumstances until the baby arrives. It could be tonight, maybe tomorrow, or even next year.
Waiting the first time was extraordinarily hard. Each baby bump was a reminder of the fact that our nest was still empty. I could not go to baby showers and my heart broke so very easily. The hardest part was not knowing. When I would tell people it could be today, tomorrow or next year we don't know it was in a way a reminder that it really could be tomorrow and I prayed that it wasn't another year.
This time we are busy. Really busy. I actually pray that its next year more often then I pray that its tomorrow. I do still find the unknowing part to be the hardest part. If I only knew a due date- what a luxury!
So I'll get the papers in order, I'll get my fingers inked, and I should probably get a baby bag ready... but here we are waiting again an unknown amount of time.
The other big difference this time is the impact on Baby Girl. I know some families have chosen not to share with their child however I think for Baby Girl it would be harder for her for us to suddenly need to go tend to a baby she didn't know would be coming. When the actual situation presents itself we will have to delicately tackle the topic of not knowing if this baby living with us is "her" brother or sister while we wait for termination. I think we talk about adoption enough in our house that if the baby does not turn out to be her sibling that she will be sad but understanding.
I try not to think too far ahead since we wont know the circumstances until the baby arrives. It could be tonight, maybe tomorrow, or even next year.
PA trip 2014
So as always my anticipation of events is always far crazier than what actually happens. My mind is a wild place and this is the closest anyone will ever get to being in it. Poor DH has a birds eye view of my "what if" crazy thoughts. I like to plan and be prepared. I hate surprises so much that I usually know what I'm getting as a gift from DH before he gives it because I hate the idea of not knowing what to say (especially if its not what I expect).
SO our trip...
This year we went for Baby Girls Birthbrothers birthday party (or at least thats what the plan was). A week before we went we skyped with the family and found out that cousins were all away at a soccer tournament. I do believe that some of them went to a soccer tournament however I think it also was an excuse to not have the party part of our visit. Baby Girls birth aunt last year chose not to come because of Baby Girl being there. I also know that D and her siblings do not all get along- so I'm not sure exactly the full reason but I think there is more to it then the tournament- I could be wrong.
This year unlike last year Baby Girl kept asking "Are we going to see M tomorrow?" "Are we going to PA tomorrow?" EVERY night before she went to bed for about three weeks. It was fun that she was anticipating the trip this year. She loves her birthbrother M! Finally it was the day we got to go to PA and she was grinning from ear to ear when we got into the car. We split the trip like we have each time we have gone down visiting friends in NY along the way. Baby Girl didn't like the idea of having to wait one more night.
On Friday morning we drove the last part of the trip and went directly into the city. We went to terminal market and got a philly cheese steak. We took the sandwich with us to the hospital and ate in the same atrium where we filled out the legal paper work with the adoption attorney just prior to meeting Baby Girl. I ate so many peanut butter sandwiches alone in that cafeteria it was nice to be able to enjoy a cheese steak with her. We then spent about 20 minutes trying to find the NICU! Its funny day in day out we had the same routine spending hours on end in that hospital and the floor the NICU was on escaped me. One woman tried telling me it was in the other building to which I responded- they moved the NICU? She insisted it hadn't moved but that we were in the wrong building. Gah! Finally we started over and went to ask security where the NICU was.
A few nurses were going out for lunch when we arrived. None of them we recognized. They said they would tell others we were there. While I was looking in with Baby Girl the doctor that discharged her was at the desk. He came down to say hello. Another doctor that was involved happened by and recognized me and chatted with us. Another nurse passed by and said "Oh I remember her she was a premi - right?" I told her no she was an NAS baby. "Oh she responded- Mom you look like you are doing well." "I am doing well as is her birthmother" (thanks for implying I was on drugs). Everyone as always was surprised we were visiting D and in a superficial way was happy to hear she was doing well. I think they all think we are naive and that D is going to take advantage of us. D isn't a monster. D loves Baby Girl. Yes she has made mistakes and because of those mistakes we have kept a significant amount of information about Baby Girl from her- but there is no reason not to allow her to visit as long as she is sober. Baby Girl got to see a bassinet outside the NICU similar to the one she slept in. She seemed to really enjoy that.
We then went back to the hotel to check in. We spoke to her birthsister about them all coming over to swim. M apparently on the days leading up to the visit had been typing into his communication devise asking when they were going swimming at Baby Girls hotel. This was D's first time seeing Baby Girl since we walked away at the hospital over two years ago. I could tell the moment she saw her she wanted to smother her but she held back. They gave Baby Girl the coach that goes with the princess castle they got her for her birthday. Getting Baby Girl to say anything (hello, thank you, hi) was impossible so we went down to swim. M and Baby Girl jumped into the pool over and over and over. They were like fish that needed water. D got out a few times for "air" aka smoking. I think we were making her nervous. Baby girl refused to go to her in the pool but no one pushed it which I think helped. D blew bubble gum bubbles which make Baby Girl so happy. We were in the pool I believe for 2 hours! (DH fact check this for me :) ) It was finally time to go since Baby Girls lips were blue and chattering but she insisted she still didn't want to get out! We said good-bye and made plans to meet at the Please Touch museum the next day.
We arrived about 10 minutes before they opened. I wanted to get there early because Baby Girls birthfamily is never on time and I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of paying. They were early too! I think they were excited to see Baby Girl and got ready quickly. I paid for everything it was easier then splitting things up plus I dont ever give D things as gifts and I felt like paying for everyones admission was giving her the gift of time with Baby Girl. (The only physical gift I have given her is a flower and a photo album they day we met- I send LOTS of pictures and I send physical gifts to her birth siblings but not D).
Everyone had a blast at the museum. There were buses, and cars to pretend to drive. There were rockets to shoot. There was a mock grocery store, hospital, news station, and construction site. There was a lot to do. M and Baby Girl kinda played in parallel however most of the time they were in different spaces. D again had chewing gum so Baby Girl kept asking her to blow bubbles. This was they key to Baby Girls heart :) Baby Girl, M and D had a tea party in the Alice and Wonderland exhibit. We then went upstairs and there was a carousel. D went and got M and Baby Girl tickets. Baby Girls birthsister helped M and DH helped Lily. D and I waved from the side as they went around. After the carousel we briefly played in the water but I could tell our time before a meltdown was getting closer. Baby Girl is pouting in just about every picture taken at the water station. We took pictures in front of the sign. In the other two pictures of Baby Girl with her birth siblings she is right there with them being held. This year her siblings are standing next to each other holding onto each other and then there is a gap of about a foot and Baby Girl is standing alone. I know its her age- she isn't as quick to warm up to people she doesn't know well but the picture speaks so much to why I want Baby 2's birthfamily to be in our same state.
We went back to the hotel so Baby Girl could re-group and take a nap. After her nap we went to Mom-Moms house. We gave her birth siblings their birthday presents which I hope they enjoy (we got M a a kite and her birthsister a bath pamper set). D's oldest brother was there briefly but he left almost immediately after we arrived- just long enough to say hello. Baby Girl, M and D jumped on the trampoline for hours. Her birthsister, Baby Girl, D and Pop-Pop blew (soap) bubbles for a while. I chatted with Mom-Mom and Pop-pop. It was as relaxing as the second time you spent the day with your in-laws. It was a little more comfortable than last year but still awkward at times. I think the in-law comparison is the closest I can come to explaining the relationship to outsiders. These people are amazing and allowed us to parent this beautiful girl but they still love her to death. They are as much family as they are unfamiliar strangers.
While we were at the museum D had shared with me that J had been harassing D's family. I brought this up to Mom-Mom (baby Girls birth grandmother). D had told me that J was saying that it wasn't fair that Baby Girl was visiting them but not him. I told them that he had been given a chance to visit. According to D he had seen pictures of last years visit though I never shared those pictures with him unless he looked on shutterfly. We did learn that he had been in jail though its unclear for what. After talking with Mom-Mom I do think that he has been harassing them by phone but I dont know the validity of his including Baby Girl into the harassment. It was just a quick reminder of the drama of our hospital stay and to make sure I take a deep breath and take a step back. D is an adult physically however emotionally and drama wise I need to remember that she has a way of exaggerating. Its how she interacts with the world and I'm just not used to it. I felt much better after talking with Mom-Mom. I did let the agency know that D was having trouble with J and left it at that. (true to their form they essentially said they could do nothing but I guess I'm crazy thinking that an adoption agency should support their birthmothers- even if its just a phone call to D saying- everything OK?)
We had pizza for dinner (which Baby Girl didn't eat for the first time in her life). After dinner D and Baby Girl went back outside to play on the trampoline and DH and I stayed upstairs and chatted with Mom-mom. We got to hear how D was doing - all positive!! :) Mom-mom brought the cake down to sing happy birthday to M. Last year I regretted not getting a picture of us singing happy birthday to her birth sister. This year I took it - and its one of the best pictures I took all weekend. Baby Girl and M sat next to each other when they got their cake. Their eyes and puffy cheeks and perfect chins side by side make me smile because she will be able to see herself in him because she knows him. After cake Baby Girl went back outside which is when I realized that it was already past her bedtime. Her birthsister before dinner had taught her how to do a summersault on the trampoline and she was practicing it again. She was getting really good! We let her play a short while longer and then we started to say our good-byes. Pop-Pops health has continued to decline and he didn't seem confident he would see us next year- which I hope he is wrong about because we really love him. Everyone asked for a hug and kiss goodbye and Baby Girl declined them all. When D asked I interjected and reminded Baby Girl that she wouldn't see her again for a whole year. I told Baby Girl it would mean a lot to D if she gave her a hug (this is something I never do because I don't think hugs are mandatory). She then stepped up and hugged her- I was so so so very happy for both of them.
D walked us out to the car and told us how sad she would be to see us go but was happy we came to visit. I assured her that we would be back. As we drove out of town the next morning Baby Girl was already crying "I wanna see M!" "When are we going to go to PA?!"
Can't wait for next year!!
SO our trip...
This year we went for Baby Girls Birthbrothers birthday party (or at least thats what the plan was). A week before we went we skyped with the family and found out that cousins were all away at a soccer tournament. I do believe that some of them went to a soccer tournament however I think it also was an excuse to not have the party part of our visit. Baby Girls birth aunt last year chose not to come because of Baby Girl being there. I also know that D and her siblings do not all get along- so I'm not sure exactly the full reason but I think there is more to it then the tournament- I could be wrong.
This year unlike last year Baby Girl kept asking "Are we going to see M tomorrow?" "Are we going to PA tomorrow?" EVERY night before she went to bed for about three weeks. It was fun that she was anticipating the trip this year. She loves her birthbrother M! Finally it was the day we got to go to PA and she was grinning from ear to ear when we got into the car. We split the trip like we have each time we have gone down visiting friends in NY along the way. Baby Girl didn't like the idea of having to wait one more night.
On Friday morning we drove the last part of the trip and went directly into the city. We went to terminal market and got a philly cheese steak. We took the sandwich with us to the hospital and ate in the same atrium where we filled out the legal paper work with the adoption attorney just prior to meeting Baby Girl. I ate so many peanut butter sandwiches alone in that cafeteria it was nice to be able to enjoy a cheese steak with her. We then spent about 20 minutes trying to find the NICU! Its funny day in day out we had the same routine spending hours on end in that hospital and the floor the NICU was on escaped me. One woman tried telling me it was in the other building to which I responded- they moved the NICU? She insisted it hadn't moved but that we were in the wrong building. Gah! Finally we started over and went to ask security where the NICU was.
A few nurses were going out for lunch when we arrived. None of them we recognized. They said they would tell others we were there. While I was looking in with Baby Girl the doctor that discharged her was at the desk. He came down to say hello. Another doctor that was involved happened by and recognized me and chatted with us. Another nurse passed by and said "Oh I remember her she was a premi - right?" I told her no she was an NAS baby. "Oh she responded- Mom you look like you are doing well." "I am doing well as is her birthmother" (thanks for implying I was on drugs). Everyone as always was surprised we were visiting D and in a superficial way was happy to hear she was doing well. I think they all think we are naive and that D is going to take advantage of us. D isn't a monster. D loves Baby Girl. Yes she has made mistakes and because of those mistakes we have kept a significant amount of information about Baby Girl from her- but there is no reason not to allow her to visit as long as she is sober. Baby Girl got to see a bassinet outside the NICU similar to the one she slept in. She seemed to really enjoy that.
We then went back to the hotel to check in. We spoke to her birthsister about them all coming over to swim. M apparently on the days leading up to the visit had been typing into his communication devise asking when they were going swimming at Baby Girls hotel. This was D's first time seeing Baby Girl since we walked away at the hospital over two years ago. I could tell the moment she saw her she wanted to smother her but she held back. They gave Baby Girl the coach that goes with the princess castle they got her for her birthday. Getting Baby Girl to say anything (hello, thank you, hi) was impossible so we went down to swim. M and Baby Girl jumped into the pool over and over and over. They were like fish that needed water. D got out a few times for "air" aka smoking. I think we were making her nervous. Baby girl refused to go to her in the pool but no one pushed it which I think helped. D blew bubble gum bubbles which make Baby Girl so happy. We were in the pool I believe for 2 hours! (DH fact check this for me :) ) It was finally time to go since Baby Girls lips were blue and chattering but she insisted she still didn't want to get out! We said good-bye and made plans to meet at the Please Touch museum the next day.
We arrived about 10 minutes before they opened. I wanted to get there early because Baby Girls birthfamily is never on time and I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of paying. They were early too! I think they were excited to see Baby Girl and got ready quickly. I paid for everything it was easier then splitting things up plus I dont ever give D things as gifts and I felt like paying for everyones admission was giving her the gift of time with Baby Girl. (The only physical gift I have given her is a flower and a photo album they day we met- I send LOTS of pictures and I send physical gifts to her birth siblings but not D).
Everyone had a blast at the museum. There were buses, and cars to pretend to drive. There were rockets to shoot. There was a mock grocery store, hospital, news station, and construction site. There was a lot to do. M and Baby Girl kinda played in parallel however most of the time they were in different spaces. D again had chewing gum so Baby Girl kept asking her to blow bubbles. This was they key to Baby Girls heart :) Baby Girl, M and D had a tea party in the Alice and Wonderland exhibit. We then went upstairs and there was a carousel. D went and got M and Baby Girl tickets. Baby Girls birthsister helped M and DH helped Lily. D and I waved from the side as they went around. After the carousel we briefly played in the water but I could tell our time before a meltdown was getting closer. Baby Girl is pouting in just about every picture taken at the water station. We took pictures in front of the sign. In the other two pictures of Baby Girl with her birth siblings she is right there with them being held. This year her siblings are standing next to each other holding onto each other and then there is a gap of about a foot and Baby Girl is standing alone. I know its her age- she isn't as quick to warm up to people she doesn't know well but the picture speaks so much to why I want Baby 2's birthfamily to be in our same state.
We went back to the hotel so Baby Girl could re-group and take a nap. After her nap we went to Mom-Moms house. We gave her birth siblings their birthday presents which I hope they enjoy (we got M a a kite and her birthsister a bath pamper set). D's oldest brother was there briefly but he left almost immediately after we arrived- just long enough to say hello. Baby Girl, M and D jumped on the trampoline for hours. Her birthsister, Baby Girl, D and Pop-Pop blew (soap) bubbles for a while. I chatted with Mom-Mom and Pop-pop. It was as relaxing as the second time you spent the day with your in-laws. It was a little more comfortable than last year but still awkward at times. I think the in-law comparison is the closest I can come to explaining the relationship to outsiders. These people are amazing and allowed us to parent this beautiful girl but they still love her to death. They are as much family as they are unfamiliar strangers.
While we were at the museum D had shared with me that J had been harassing D's family. I brought this up to Mom-Mom (baby Girls birth grandmother). D had told me that J was saying that it wasn't fair that Baby Girl was visiting them but not him. I told them that he had been given a chance to visit. According to D he had seen pictures of last years visit though I never shared those pictures with him unless he looked on shutterfly. We did learn that he had been in jail though its unclear for what. After talking with Mom-Mom I do think that he has been harassing them by phone but I dont know the validity of his including Baby Girl into the harassment. It was just a quick reminder of the drama of our hospital stay and to make sure I take a deep breath and take a step back. D is an adult physically however emotionally and drama wise I need to remember that she has a way of exaggerating. Its how she interacts with the world and I'm just not used to it. I felt much better after talking with Mom-Mom. I did let the agency know that D was having trouble with J and left it at that. (true to their form they essentially said they could do nothing but I guess I'm crazy thinking that an adoption agency should support their birthmothers- even if its just a phone call to D saying- everything OK?)
We had pizza for dinner (which Baby Girl didn't eat for the first time in her life). After dinner D and Baby Girl went back outside to play on the trampoline and DH and I stayed upstairs and chatted with Mom-mom. We got to hear how D was doing - all positive!! :) Mom-mom brought the cake down to sing happy birthday to M. Last year I regretted not getting a picture of us singing happy birthday to her birth sister. This year I took it - and its one of the best pictures I took all weekend. Baby Girl and M sat next to each other when they got their cake. Their eyes and puffy cheeks and perfect chins side by side make me smile because she will be able to see herself in him because she knows him. After cake Baby Girl went back outside which is when I realized that it was already past her bedtime. Her birthsister before dinner had taught her how to do a summersault on the trampoline and she was practicing it again. She was getting really good! We let her play a short while longer and then we started to say our good-byes. Pop-Pops health has continued to decline and he didn't seem confident he would see us next year- which I hope he is wrong about because we really love him. Everyone asked for a hug and kiss goodbye and Baby Girl declined them all. When D asked I interjected and reminded Baby Girl that she wouldn't see her again for a whole year. I told Baby Girl it would mean a lot to D if she gave her a hug (this is something I never do because I don't think hugs are mandatory). She then stepped up and hugged her- I was so so so very happy for both of them.
D walked us out to the car and told us how sad she would be to see us go but was happy we came to visit. I assured her that we would be back. As we drove out of town the next morning Baby Girl was already crying "I wanna see M!" "When are we going to go to PA?!"
Can't wait for next year!!
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Is That My Baby?
When we told Baby Girl she was going to be a big sister she didn't really understand. She has slowly over the past 8 months put the pieces together. Before we went to PA she asked me if she had a crib at the hospital when she was there. I told her that she did. When we visited the hospital just outside of the NICU there was a bassinet just like the one she spent so many hours in her first month on this earth. "That was my crib?" she asked me. "Yes you slept in one just like that." I told her. Baby Girl is like her dad. She will ask a question or you will tell her something and she gets quiet. You may not hear about the topic again for a few days or weeks. Then some comes out with something profound which makes you realize that she gets it. When we got home from PA we read "Tell Me Again About The Night I was born" (which she calls the "Elly Bake book" because of the man that with the IV that looks like he has a belly ache). When we got to the page with all the babies in their bassinets she told me "Thats my crib." These three interactions seem to have sealed her understanding that we got a call, we went to meet her at the hospital (in her crib) and thats how we became her Mom and Dad. (There were a few more epiphanies on the trip to PA but thats another post.)
Fourth of July we went to a friends house for a cook out. This was our first time meeting their second baby. Their first baby is 2 weeks younger than Baby Girl. Baby Girl enjoyed just watching the babies that were at the party. The party was hard for me. Two of the babies there had siblings that were almost exactly Baby Girls age. If only just wanting a baby for us made it happen. There was another couple there with about a 4 year age gap between their two children. If I really was honest with myself and we were able to conceive we likely wouldn't be "trying" yet. A gap of 3-4 years sounds perfect for us however in the land of adoption its not so easy to plan and so we have started the process knowing that it could be tomorrow and it could be another 2 years- we dont know. I digress. As I put Baby Girl down that night she said to me "Mama I want a sister." "Just like Logan does?" I asked. "yeah" She responded as she squirmed in her bed. "I want a baby too Baby Girl. We can't pick if its a sister or brother though. Would a brother be OK?" I asked. "Yes" she responded. I kissed her, said good-night and told her that she will make a good big sister.
My sister In-law is expecting. When they came to visit last weekend I didn't address the baby with Baby Girl. We have told her they are expecting and that she will be a cousin. I left it at that. I really dont feel like talking about how some babys are born to the moms and dads they live with and other Moms and Dads get a call when a woman chooses for them to parent her baby. I'm not there yet and I really didn't want to have it in front of my in-laws. At the end of the weekend as Baby Girl said good-bye to my sister-in-law she looked up at her belly and said "Whats that?!" pointing to her baby bump. We explained that there was a baby growing in her and when it was ready to come out it would be born. She seemed worried but satisfied.
Friday was Baby Girls 2.5 year appt. Nothing stops Baby Girl in her tracks like a baby. She stops and stares. Sometimes she gets in close and peers into the carseat but rarely says anything. I encouraged her to say good-bye to the baby and told her to tell the baby that the doctor wasn't scary. She said good-bye (but didn't lie to the poor baby about the doctor not being scary). As we walked away she turned to me and asked "Is that my baby?" "Your brother or sister?" I asked. "Yes" she responded. "No thats not our baby. That baby is with his Mom and Dad." "Why is it not our baby?" she asked me. I for the first time ever let an adoption question go. I did answer but I kinda trailed off as we approached the front desk to check out. "That Mom and Dad chose to parent their baby."
Each interaction her questions get more challenging. She is 2 for crying out loud! I know many of her questions are just that questions. Trying to make sense of the puzzle that just isn't fitting just right. I love that she is inquisitive and sometimes he questions really are hard! Why, can be the shortest yet most complicated question ever. I try to remind myself that most often she ends the conversations so I'm assuming that means she feels like her questions are being answered. I also remind myself that I want her to continue to feel like she can ask these questions. I do occasionally answer by honestly saying "Thats a good question- I don't know." I dont know when our second baby is going to come. Just like our first wait. I'm OK with waiting- I just wish I knew when. It was hard enough to have our lives switch gears in a matter of 24 hours from a childless couple to one with a baby in the NICU. This second time it again is going to likely be a quick switch of gears- but this time the impact is going to be greater. I try to bring up the topic of her sibling with cautious frequency. I want her to know its coming but I also dont want her to perseverate on it. Her questions on Friday did remind me- I probably should pack a hospital bag again.
Fourth of July we went to a friends house for a cook out. This was our first time meeting their second baby. Their first baby is 2 weeks younger than Baby Girl. Baby Girl enjoyed just watching the babies that were at the party. The party was hard for me. Two of the babies there had siblings that were almost exactly Baby Girls age. If only just wanting a baby for us made it happen. There was another couple there with about a 4 year age gap between their two children. If I really was honest with myself and we were able to conceive we likely wouldn't be "trying" yet. A gap of 3-4 years sounds perfect for us however in the land of adoption its not so easy to plan and so we have started the process knowing that it could be tomorrow and it could be another 2 years- we dont know. I digress. As I put Baby Girl down that night she said to me "Mama I want a sister." "Just like Logan does?" I asked. "yeah" She responded as she squirmed in her bed. "I want a baby too Baby Girl. We can't pick if its a sister or brother though. Would a brother be OK?" I asked. "Yes" she responded. I kissed her, said good-night and told her that she will make a good big sister.
My sister In-law is expecting. When they came to visit last weekend I didn't address the baby with Baby Girl. We have told her they are expecting and that she will be a cousin. I left it at that. I really dont feel like talking about how some babys are born to the moms and dads they live with and other Moms and Dads get a call when a woman chooses for them to parent her baby. I'm not there yet and I really didn't want to have it in front of my in-laws. At the end of the weekend as Baby Girl said good-bye to my sister-in-law she looked up at her belly and said "Whats that?!" pointing to her baby bump. We explained that there was a baby growing in her and when it was ready to come out it would be born. She seemed worried but satisfied.
Friday was Baby Girls 2.5 year appt. Nothing stops Baby Girl in her tracks like a baby. She stops and stares. Sometimes she gets in close and peers into the carseat but rarely says anything. I encouraged her to say good-bye to the baby and told her to tell the baby that the doctor wasn't scary. She said good-bye (but didn't lie to the poor baby about the doctor not being scary). As we walked away she turned to me and asked "Is that my baby?" "Your brother or sister?" I asked. "Yes" she responded. "No thats not our baby. That baby is with his Mom and Dad." "Why is it not our baby?" she asked me. I for the first time ever let an adoption question go. I did answer but I kinda trailed off as we approached the front desk to check out. "That Mom and Dad chose to parent their baby."
Each interaction her questions get more challenging. She is 2 for crying out loud! I know many of her questions are just that questions. Trying to make sense of the puzzle that just isn't fitting just right. I love that she is inquisitive and sometimes he questions really are hard! Why, can be the shortest yet most complicated question ever. I try to remind myself that most often she ends the conversations so I'm assuming that means she feels like her questions are being answered. I also remind myself that I want her to continue to feel like she can ask these questions. I do occasionally answer by honestly saying "Thats a good question- I don't know." I dont know when our second baby is going to come. Just like our first wait. I'm OK with waiting- I just wish I knew when. It was hard enough to have our lives switch gears in a matter of 24 hours from a childless couple to one with a baby in the NICU. This second time it again is going to likely be a quick switch of gears- but this time the impact is going to be greater. I try to bring up the topic of her sibling with cautious frequency. I want her to know its coming but I also dont want her to perseverate on it. Her questions on Friday did remind me- I probably should pack a hospital bag again.
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