Saturday, January 24, 2015


On the eve of Baby Girls third birthday I can't believe it!  Three years ago while Baby Girls Birthmother was preparing for a c-section I was preparing for a busy day like any other weekday.  I had work, followed by physical therapy and topped off with a phone call with my Grandmother.  I always have been one to think of parallel lives waiting to intersect.  8th grade me played with the idea that I'd meet a boy on my trip to the cape.  Funny story 10 years later I met a boy from the cape that I married.  While waiting I often wondered about where my eventual childs birthmother was and if my eventual child was conceived.  Had the birthparents met yet?  On my trip to Philli for a conference April 2011 I half jokingly told some colleagues that my childs birthmother could already have conceived and maybe right here in Philly (PA was one of the places I knew was a possible agency our agency worked with).  Sure enough 9 months later my Baby Girl was born.  Do I believe I have a sixth sense- no.  I think I spend a lot of time thinking of realistic scenarios and sometimes pieces of those scenarios come true.

Today I spent a great deal of time reflecting not only on Baby Girls journey to us but also the potential journey that is unfolding for Baby 2's journey to us.  How will these two journeys be the same?  How different will they be?  Is Baby 2 about to join the world or has s/he been even conceived yet?

Baby Girl is so smart.  She is wise beyond her years.  She is sensitive yet bold.  On Monday Baby Girl asked if her "parents" could come to her birthday party (It took me about a week to realize that when she has been asking about her parents she is talking about birthparents- DUH!).  I told her they lived far away and that no they wouldn't be able to make it but maybe we could Skype.

We will be skyping with her birthfamily.  I confirmed a few days ago that D is still not home.  I had to tell Baby Girl that her birthsibilings and grandparents will be there but D will not.  I told her that D wasn't going to be home so she wouldn't be able to skype with her.  I listed everyone that would be there.  She then firmly stated "AND D."  I had to restate it.  "No Baby Girl.  D isn't home and we dont know when she will be back so she wont be able to skype."  She then started to act silly.  "Did you hear me?"  I asked.  To which she shook her head yes.  I then repeated again who was going to be there.  She then asked me to read a book that was on the coffee table.  I have e-mailed her birthsister to let her know how I explained it to her because I know she is going to ask tomorrow.

I try not to implant my emotions onto Baby Girl.  I do not think it is a coincidence that her birthday has invoked an intense interest in her birthfamily.  We have talked about them more this past month than we typically do.  I find it fascinating that at 3 she is taking puzzle pieces that are not obvious and putting them together.  Adoption is a picture of gray- nothing is totally clear and she somehow has figured out this picture better than I ever imagined.  In my job I work with patients with dementia on puzzles often because it helps them sharpen their cognitive skills.  I help them sort the edge pieces from the center pieces and make suggestions.  I hand them a piece that fits and suggest "Here try this one."  They still sometimes rotate and move piece and can't get it to fit because to their brain it doesn't make sense.  I feel like I try to hand Baby Girl pieces of her puzzle when she is requesting help.  She rotates the piece of information around and in time she is able to make it fit.  Its hard to explain to a small child that her birthmother loves her but wont be there to sing her happy birthday.  I know D is thinking about her tonight and tomorrow.  Baby Girl is in full comprehension that just like her cousin grew in her aunt; she grew in D.  She is in clear understanding that D is important to her and her to D.  What I wish she didn't have to understand and thankfully she doesn't grasp it yet is that D truely was and is unable to be her Mother- but what she does understand is that D chose me to be her Mother.

This adoption thing is amazingly awesome with the same amount devastatingly sad.    Tomorrow is the day we celebrate her birth.  Tomorrow is the day three years ago it was just Baby Girl and her Mom.  Next week is the day I get to remember the moment our lives all intersected and I fell in love with her.

Friday, January 16, 2015

The first time...

Tonight baby girl for the first time said "I grew in Ds belly."  We were Skyping with my sister and brother-in-law.  I have asked her before if she knew who she grew in and could answer me.  This however was the first time she started the conversation.  She then continued to impress them in knowing that "it wasn't really her belly - I grew in her uterus."  That's my smart girl!  Lol

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Where is J?

Tonight at dinner it was just Baby Girl and Me.  She out of the blue asked me "Where is J?"  "Who is J?" I asked making sure I was thinking of the same J she was.  "My PA Dad."  We have always referred to him as "Birthdad J" "Birthdad"  I was surprised she had been able to take where she was born PA and add Dad.  I told her he lived in PA.  When I told DH about the conversation he told me I should have said "I don't know."  Honestly that is the truth.  I gather though that he has rarely if ever left PA, but since I have not heard from him since she was 30 days old.  I really dont know.

Baby Girl the last few days has asked about my "other mother" and made some other comment about having two Moms.  Things are clicking in that little head of hers.  I don't know how much she really understands and how much she is just repeating things she has heard.  I have never referred to D as "her other mother."  I am strict with myself on my words I use so that I model positive adoption language.  It makes me wonder if she is starting to pick up on conversations others have with me or if she is putting her own words to what she understands.  Time will tell.

Today at the doctors I was asked if she had any siblings.  Her birthbrothers medical history is pertinent to this doctor since he also has had similar issues.  (yeah open adoption!)  I said yes she had birth siblings.  I got a blank look.  "Yes."  I repeated.  "She has a birth brother and birth sister.  Her birthbrother has the same condition she does."  The women then went on to talk about her family and how she has nieces and nephews that are adopted and all have the same birthmother but different birthfathers.  *eye roll*  I wish people would realize I don't bring it up unless I think it provides beneficial information.  Not because I'm ashamed of her adoption or her birthfamily but because I never know the conversation it will start in front of Baby Girl.  Sometimes I think I should just say that I have a 21 year old daughter and an 11 year old son in addition to Baby Girl (which would have made me 12 and 22 when I had them) because I honestly think it would be easier sometimes.

Baby Girls current suggestions for Baby names:
keckle (sounds like freckle with a K)
March (as in the month not the command)
David (for a boy or girl)