Sunday, February 23, 2014

I'm going to be an Aunt

My emotions ran from excited, to sad, to ok, to depressed, to numb.  I had a feeling that was the news we were going to be getting.  I appreciated they told us in person and it was an understated announcement.  I did my best to push out the excitement.  I'm happy for them I really really am.  I'm sad for me.  I know its not about me its about them.  I'm glad they dont need to deal with infertility.  I'm broken that I do.  Lifes not fair- nope not fair.

I think I did an OK job at exuding my happy feelings for them and suppressing my sad feelings for myself.  I'm not sure how I did with that.  In the process of being happy for them I asked them their due date: Sept 19th.  Will you share names?  yes.  Want to share?  Sure we like BabyGirl2 its the name we heard a parent yell at their child in the mall.  I went numb.

BabyGirl2 is the name we had picked as it is my Grandmothers name.  Not overly old fashioned but we like it.  My other grandmothers name is the middle name we have picked.  We have two male family names for the boy name.

I didn't say anything because what do you say?  Thats MY name!  We had it FIRST!  I waited until we were in the car driving away before I cried.  A release- not sad, not happy, just numb.

So tonight I wrote this letter which I plan to include with a small gift for my neice/nephew to be:

Dear Sister In Law,

I wanted to write to you to about the amazing news you shared with us.  I want to first say that I am so happy for you both and I know you will make fantastic parents.  Its not always an easy job but seeing how you and Brother- In-Law work together I know you are up for this life long challenge.

With that said I also wanted to share with you that fertility is bittersweet for me.  I never would wish our journey on another family while at the same time our not so easy path lead to an amazing little girl.  Its often said in the adoption world that adoption is not a fix to infertility and I continue to mourn not getting the chance to be pregnant.  I put on a strong front but pregnancy is something I still grieve.  I don’t expect anything different from the two of you and I’m so excited to finally get to be an aunt.   Just please do know that I just might need time to outwardly show that I truly am excited for you guys.

It is extremely likely that your bundle of joy will arrive before our second child.  We have no control over the order of life.  Your oldest and our youngest will likely be somewhat close in age and look forward to that cousinly bond that I got to have with my cousins.  We had planned on keeping the names we chose a secret just like we did with Baby Girl.  I want to share with you the names we chose:  BabyGirl2 after both of my Grandmothers and she would go by Girl2, and Baby Boy after Grandpa and both of our dads and he would go by Boy.  I come from a big family with multiple people with the same name (we have two Ps; three variations of A, two Bs, and a M and L).  I didn’t know how to react when you told me you guys liked BabyGirl2 for a girl because we love it as well (and do a ton of other people given that BabyGirl2 is in the top 10 girls names).  I wanted to let you know our intentions.  Neither of us know the gender of our baby so for all we know we could have two boys.  I’m sure if you guys pick BabyGirl2 and we both have girls that there will be some fun way to differentiate between the two and I’m sure would bond them even more.

I don’t write requesting your sympathy but just understanding.  Becoming a mom is the most rewarding experience of my life and I can’t wait to share in this with you. 

With Love-

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