Friday, April 25, 2014

Visit 2

Visit 2 is in the making.

We are planning to go to PA for Baby Girls birth brothers birthday party.  Last year we went to her birth sisters birthday party.  Last year I was nervous because 1) I'm not a party person and 2) thats a lot of people you dont know in one place.  It turned out perfect.  It was VERY low key - just family and everyone was busy including me keeping Baby Girl out of trouble.

This year is going to be a little different.  Last year D was in jail so she wasn't available.  She did call during the party and I got to speak with her for a few minutes on the phone.  (Add that to the list of the things I've never done before- a prison phone call- yes they do interrupt occasionally to remind you that you are talking to an inmate.)  This year D is home.

D has received and sent letters consistently but we have not seen D since the day we walked out of the hospital.  My worries this year are less about the party and what that will be like and more about how Baby girl will respond to her.  Ds interaction with Baby Girl in the hospital was very physical, lots of hugs and kisses, and holding tight.  Baby Girl isn't a hugs and kisses kinda girl.  I'm worried D will feel rejected by Baby Girl since she does take time to warm up now that she is 2 years old and not 2 weeks old.  I have warned D in letters that Baby Girl is shy as well as that she prefers men (she prefers her grandfathers to her grandmothers 10 fold).  I hope that she is picking up my hints of what to expect from Baby Girl.  Within the time that we are there Baby Girl will likely warm up and allow D to pick her up and even hug her but its not going to happen right away (I doubt).  I want this experience to be positive for both of them and I just worry about D getting hurt.

We are going to book the same hotel so we can have the pool to use again.  We will go to the hospital she was born so we can show the nurses and doctors that NAS babies don't all turn out with ADHD and delayed; I mean so we can show them how much she has grown and show her where she was born.  I'd like to do a museum or zoo like we did last year and then top it off with the party.  Baby Girl vaguely understands the idea of the trip and that makes it more exciting.

I again provided J the information that we were planning on visiting and that if he was interested in a visit with us he needed to contact us.  No response.  I again didn't provide him with specifics just that we would be visiting.  At the time I initially informed him of our plans our plans were as simple as we knew: we would be visiting with no date yet set.  I kept the plans vague for two reasons 1) If he is interested in a visit I would have helped facilitate a weekend that worked for both D and J and 2) I dont want him to think that last minute he can change his mind and just decide he wants a visit.  Its not that I want to prevent a visit.  What I want him to know is that unlike when we were in the hospital he can't go back and fourth hemming and hawing about if he is going to visit or not.  I need to help Baby Girl get ready for said visit and then said visit needs to happen- no backing out.  Yes life sucks and people rescind on plans but for key players like a birthfather - you better show up if you say you are especially now that she understands more.  So far he hasn't' said he is going to show up to be part of her life since the Friday before her discharge from the hospital.

In some ways it sucks and in other ways its better.  Before you jump on me for being anti-birth father let me explain.  I'd rather him commit to being IN or OUT.  I'd rather he be consistent, which so far he has been consistently out.  At the hospital he wanted to be in her life so much he wanted our address so he could visit and told us he would send us money whenever we needed it (eye roll).  He was for/against the adoption as quickly as the wind changed direction.  I don't want that for my Baby Girl.  I'd rather be able to read her his application which states he wants her to make contact with him when she is ready (and I PRAY he at least keeps his word for that because I'm sure he was thinking it would be 18 my guess 9-12).  If I had it my way and the world was full of unicorns he would write letters, and show up for visits.  The world isn't full of unicorns and I'm glad at least he is consistent.  In the end I think it will be easier to help Baby Girl understand then if he popped in and out of her life depending on his mood.

So thats the trip plan as of yet.


  1. Best wishes for your visit with everyone. I know with our adoptions, all my fears and doubts go away as soon as we're in the situation and see our boys with their birth families. Flaky or not, what matters is that you're allowing your child to meet her birth family and to be part of their lives. It's a gift that means more to them than they can probably express, and it's something that down the road, your daughter will be so thankful for.

    I think it's awesome to allow your daughter to get to know them and them a chance to get to know her. With D have a lot of emotions when seeing Baby Girl for the first time? Without a doubt. Just know that she's going to be touchy and feely and it may scare Baby Girl, but you may be surprised... Baby Girl may not have any negative reaction to D. She may be okay with the touch, and if not, you already know how to ease D's feelings and help her not to take it personal.

    Just let go and let God. It'll all work out!! <3

  2. Thanks Cat!! I know it will be fine. It is going to be strange. I feel in some ways I know D really well having spent so much time with her at such an intimate time in her life at the same time I hardly know her at all. 2 years is a long gap between seeing her which makes me sad. I am really hoping that D will join us at the hospital which will allow for a short visit initially that is quieter then a zoo or party. I can imagine D is both looking forward to and dreading our visit as well :)