Saturday, June 8, 2013

Text Messages

I have almost typed up all of the text messages between DH and Baby Girls first week in the hospital- 4 pages single spaced.  My goal is to transcribe the texts between DH and myself, D and myself and our attorney and myself.  This is the first time I feel like I'm in a place where I can read about her hospitalization without anxiety. He first month was rocky.  Having a baby in the hospital is hard by itself.  The complexities of me being in an unfamiliar city hours away from DH and my support, topped by the rollercoaster of adoption.

I have been disappointed in some of the things we said though with context I understand our fears.  DH at one point told me that "I hope she starts weaning herself from Baby Girl."  That statement was after a 5 hour visit with D.  I was in tears because I was so emotionally exhausted at the end of that visit.  I know the statement was out of concern that D might change her mind as well as for concern for me and my emotional state.  In hind sight the visit was exhausting though I learned so much from D that day.  Had the emotions of the day not been so heightened I probably could have remembered more from those 5 hours but fortunately I have a journal entry from after the visit.

I also laughed at some things we talked about.  At one point I asked DH to clean out the fridge at home.    I didn't want to come back after an unknown amount of time at the hospital to find green stuff (not the leafy green stuff) growing in our fridge.

I've I have typed the conversation exactly as is.  Even the things I'm not proud of.  I don't know my plans for the transcription but I feel like I need to save it.  The passage of time makes me realize what an amazing opportunity we had with D's visits however I still can appreciate the amount of stress I was under and know I only did my very best.

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