Mine, Your, Our Children

On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
                                              -Khalil Gibran

I have been meaning to write this post for a long time*.  I think I have a draft started somewhere.  I think I started it pre-Baby Girl.  Khalil Gibran is a philosopher that wrote the above or some version of the above.  It was then turned into a song that Sweet Honey and the Rock sang that my Mother would sing. These words were read at each of her children (me and my sisters) dedication ceremony at church.  This is the philosophy my parents used to raise us.  Although we were their children we were not THEIRS as in the possessive which implies property.

I think part of the reason open adoption has been somewhat natural to me is that my Baby Girl is not mine.  She isn't ours.  She in't D's or J's.  She doesn't belong to anyone as she is not a possession.  She is a person that needs nurturing and the ability to explore the world.  She has a right to know facts though my opinion of D and J is not factual.  She is entitled to her own opinions and thoughts on D and J.  She will forever be connected to D and J but she was never theirs as she will never be mine.

It is my job to instill in her that she is responsible for herself.  She will make choices, which have consequences both good and bad.  She will have opinions which I may or may not agree with.  I want to ensure I help develop a sense of self which will allow her to become a contributing member of society.

With this all said she does have a secure place where she belongs in our family, but she also has a place in D and J's family.  It is up to her to figure out where these worlds meet.

Adoption intensifies that sense of mine, yours, ours.  After waiting years to become parents its hard not to want to suck up every waking moment with this new person.  It is hard at times to share moments of our childrens lives that other families don't have to share.

I wanted nothing more then to be alone with Baby Girl many days/nights at the hospital.  It was hard.  Its not easy.  I then would be reminded that she was not mine legally and more importantly she would never be mine.  At the time it was hard to live those feelings.  In hindsight I look back with fondness to those days/nights with D and her family.  J brought too much turmoil for me but I still wish for Baby Girl I had a better picture of the two of them as its only his nose and hands that show in the picture of him holding her.  With all the other pictures she can say the names of those in the pictures.  With J she always says "Baby!"

At a kids event the other day.  Baby Girl was marching to her own drum (some may have called it sassy).  Someone called out "looks like we know who is in charge today."  I smiled but silently thought "and thats ok."  Why do adults always feel the need to "take control" and "be in charge."  It was a childrens event- she was safe her ideas were just a little different then mine.  She wasn't being disrespectful.  What are we afraid of?  I think once adults become comfortable with realizing that children will not revolt if you let them think its amazing what they are able to do.  As a mother to a girl I think its even more important that she realizes at a young age that she is not a possession but a person with thoughts and opinions.

I feel like my baseline of realizing my children are not possessions has helped me with open adoption.  When I find myself uncomfortable I often realize I've slipped into possessiveness.  This is not to say that I'm not protective, but I work hard at not being possessive.  Baby Girl is not mine.  My hope for her is that she too will grow up knowing she is not a possession and she will have the freedom to be herself.

*I pushed myself to finally write this post thanks to a post Robyn.  Her post was in response to a prospective adoptive parent that was having a hard time sharing with the expectant mother.

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

Break Down

I was ready this time.  I was going to get my fingerprints done and over with.  The homestudy process really is just a process for me now.  Its the means to an end and I love the end.  DH had scheduled our fingerprints for next week Wednesday.  I dont know how it came up but I realized that he had scheduled the appt at the Sheriffs office which is about 30 minutes from my work at 2:30 rather then the police department which is about 10 minutes from my work.  I get out of work at 3:30 normally and so I'd have to get out of work by 2.  So that means I would have to go into work at 5:30AM or leave an hour and a half early.  My boss is usually not overly flexible especially for "last minute changes."  The only Sheriff's office that does fingerprints on Friday was a Sheriffs office 45 minutes away in a region called "the islands."

Being that it was a perfect crisp fall days and the colors were out I was hell bent on just getting them over with.  So I put my stack of things for errands in my passenger seat, got Baby Girl a good snack, and packed her into the car for the ride.  As we got ready I teared up a little knowing that as much as I hate fingerprints I had no choice.  On the ride I told her what we were doing and why.  She agreed that it was a good idea to have another baby which made me tear up.

We arrived at the Sheriffs office.  They were polite and professional.  The process was quick.  The Sheriff reeked of cigarettes but beyond that the process was easy.  With only a few times that I welled up with tears at home I had made it without really letting the tears flow.

As we approached our town on the way home Baby Girl was starting to loose it.  I didn't want to go home then circle back to go to the grocery store and literally had 5 things I needed to pick up.  So I risked it.  She was good in the store and we headed home.  As I pulled out of the parking lot I looked down at the remaining pile of errands and realized that the check for daycare and her school pictures were not there.  At this point Baby Girl was melting down in the back seat.  I had pushed her too far.  

I felt like a horrible mom with her shrieking in the back seat and me panicking in the front seat over the missing checks.  I turned her music up to drowned out her cries and tried to stay calm.  I kept asking her to PLEASE just this ONCE just use your words and as soon as we pull in the drive way you can have milk but I dont have any with me!  We finally arrived home and baby girl was all cried out wilting into a nap in her car seat.  I started to pull the car apart, then my purse, my jacket, nothing.  I called DH who told me he was going to cancel the checks but I told him no since it was $25 per check- $50 we didn't have to spend on my mistake.  I called the Sheriffs office and they had not found them.  I began to cry.  If I hadn't had to get stupid fingerprints I wouldn't have caused baby girl to melt down and I wouldn't have lost the stupid checks!  I was so mad at myself.  My car now clean, my purse now reorganized, and my jacket empty of kleenex I still had not found the checks.  I calmly brought baby girl now asleep in her carseat into her crib for a nap.  I then calmly took one more look thru my purse contents realizing I had folded the checks up and slipped them back into my checkbook cover so they would be safe.  

I then let myself lay down and cry.  I hate fingerprints.  I hate them.  I let them get the better of me.

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
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Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

I Want to Unfriend You.

This summer I had lots of friends pregnant.  Some you would hardly know while others I saw a daily progressing of their baby bump and the food that the baby did and did not like.  Facebook also thought it would be helpful at the same time to bombard me with ads for infertility treatment programs.

Most of these women I have been friends with for years.  They know my struggle.  They also have a right to be happy.  I do not expect women to stop getting pregnant just because I can't.   What I find most ironic is that the women I have been friends with that have come to me with their infertility struggles are the worst offenders of a noxious level of posts.

At first I thought they were the "worst offenders" because I was more sensitive since they had "had infertility" then jumped ship to the fertile club.  After giving it way more thought then I ever should I've realized that for some reason the pain of infertility escapes those former sufferers the moment they get the BFP.  One woman literally posts a biweekly baby bump picture and posts 1-2X per day something pregnancy related.  Another woman when her son was 1 year old had posted more pictures in one month then I had posted of Baby Girl in her first six months (yes I counted them).  My count included the daily pictures I posted when she was in the hospital since I had little to no communication with family/friends since I was not allowed to use the phone unless I was not in the NICU.  I never left the NICU unless I HAD to eat, pee or visiting hours were over.

I try to make a point of posting articles that are interesting to me as a person, an autonomous adult that also happens to be called Mom.  I try as hard as I can to have a life beyond the world of Mom as hard as that can be.

These women are women that I enjoyed talking to but now they have nothing to talk about except their children or their pregnancy.  One of the two I have blocked the other I have not yet because at this point Facebook is really the only place we communicate.  I feel like the kid that is a sore loser.  I however find it so very hurtful from those that should understand that its not necessary (especially when your family lives a mile away from you) to post every waking detail of your pregnancy.  It really just makes me want to Unfriend You- in the real world and on Facebook.

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

Holiday Gifts

So the holidays will be upon us soon.  I am by no means starting to think about holiday shopping but I wanted DH to address his parents shopping habits.  Last year there was gift after gift after gift marked "Santa."  Then there were still more marked Grandma and Grandpa.

Now I get its fun to shop for a baby girl.  I get that its fun to have your first grandchild.  I love that they wanted to spoil her.

I do however want to discuss their shopping habits before they get out to the mall this year.  For one Baby Girl is an only child for the foreseeable future.  I don't want her to be spoiled.  I want her to appreciate the little things.  To be honest at this point her favorite things to play with are not toys.  She loves the mac & cheese box in her kitchen that I gave her from the recycling.  She spends more time chasing the cat then the balls we have bought her.  So she doesn't need toys.

I also want to be considerate to the fact that we live in a diverse area.  We have HUD housing one direction and the "hill section" the other direction.  Kids at school will have a diverse amount that they will receive from Santa.  I want her to appreciate the magic of Christmas without the stuff and the potential for jealousy from her peers.

So I thought I'd do a little research to find out what the average parent spends on the holidays so I had some sort of benchmark as to what the limit should be.  So the Today show had a survey for how much parents spent- $271!  Last year we maybe spent $50 on Baby Girl.  I think she had a perfectly fine Christmas.  How much stuff does a kid need?  She still gets excited about toys that resurface from the bottom of the toy bin- that says she has enough.  Now do not get me wrong I'm sure I can pack a few toys away, give a few away, and make room for more age appropriate stuff- but there still should be a limit.

So now I'm not sure how to set the limit.  I do not think "Santa" can bring more then a toy, a book, and an outfit per child.  There are just too many children in this world.  Grandma and Grandpa can give a few toys but isn't the point of the holidays about being together- not stuff.  I feel like now is the time to set limits but am i being a scrooge or am I just old fashioned?

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

Not Missing Anything

DH and I are planning this time to actually do some of the things we "missed out on" during our first adoption.  There are a few things I regret 1) not sharing the news as news and 2) not getting newborn pictures.

If you read adoption blogs or Adoptive Parents forums people will warn you about sharing your big news.  Our agency also suggested we keep the news to close family and friends.  The suggestion is made because people will offer you advice, warn you about adoption, and continuously ask you if you have heard anything yet.  I regret not making a formal we are excited about our big news announcement because I think it made it into a secret.  I think people were afraid to talk to us about it and it was taboo.  I did get advice but so do pregnant women.  News spread but because we didn't announce it we didn't really know who knew.  I had one co-worker who talked to me about it regularly once she found out.  I learned later that another co-worker pulled her aside and told her that it might make me uncomfortable to talk about it.  So this time- no secrets we are making a big announcement that Baby Girl is waiting on a promotion!

I also regret not getting newborn pictures.    While we were in the hospital there was a company that came in that offered pictures and I did decline that; which I dont regret.  I didn't want photos of her with wires hanging off of her.  I didn't want a picture of a "sick" baby because she never was sick; she was one strong girl.  When we got home the roller coaster of waiting for the TPR to finalize made my heart cautious.  I now realize that had D and J changed their minds and the courts did remove Baby Girl I still would have wanted to have forever remembered her because within hours of meeting her I loved her.  No matter what happened I always would love her.  So next time I'm doing pictures no matter what.

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

Profile Book

Profile books are not any easier the second time around.  I started our profile book today.  That means I went to Shutterfly.  I picked a template I like.  Uploaded a few pictures, and then saved 20 blank pages with the title Baby2.

Instead I wrote two blog posts and now I'm going to go get Baby Girl from the next room over after her "nap."  During which she chatted in her crib for 2 hrs about her cat, dog, Oma, Opa, and Dada.

The Ethics of Creating a Family

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

If only it was that easy.

DH got his test results back and it has confirmed what we already knew but never tested for.  DH has sperm antibodies which means his immune system is fighting his sperm.  We were told that if he did have the antibodies but they were attacking the tail IUI could be a possibility.  His tests showed that 90% of his sperm were "encrusted" in the antibodies and they were attacking the head.  His #'s were good as were his motility so they told him we would be an excellent IVF candidate.

I know I've mentioned before we were married agreed to two things we wanted to include adoption in the creation of our family and that IF fertility were an issue we would never do IVF.  So now we have confirmed it IVF is the only way we would conceive a biological child.  When we made the decision never to do IVF it was hypothetical now its a reality.

So we took the time to explore it and came back to the same conclusion.  As much as I'd love to experience pregnancy its not something I HAVE to have.  Will I feel like I've missed something- yes.  I will never get to participate in a conversation about my pregnancy.  I wont say it doesn't make me sad but I also think its OK to feel sad about it.  This post is as much a post about my ethical feelings on fertility treatment as it will serve as a reminder of our thought process.*

So hypothetically lets go through the process of IVF.

The first steps of the process is harvesting the eggs from me.  That process results in the administration of medication.  That medication is administered in the form of shots.  Although I survived the one shot DH had to give me for IUI I'm not a fan of them.  My bigger concern about the shots is that it is introducing high levels of hormones into my body.  The research is contradictory but there is a big enough trend that links women stimulated for IVF have a higher risk of ovarian cancer as well as can result in ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.  The three cycles of IUI which we tried while we were waiting gave me a glimpse into how those drugs made me feel.  I was in chronic abdominal pain as well as the addition of increased hormones intensified my feelings about our infertility.  I believe it was during that time frame that I became borderline suicidal and requested that my DH hide my medications.

If we made it thru the harvesting stage then would be the creating of the embryos.  How many would we create?  How many would we implant?  If we implanted three and all three take- would we terminate?  If we only implanted one but froze 5 more and the one took- what would we do with the 5?
DH and I both were in agreement that we did not want multiples- one more is plenty!  I feel like after experiencing infertility I wouldn't be able to terminate a viable embryo if we implanted more then one and they all took.  For that reason we agreed that implanting more then one would be our only option but with such a financial stake in them taking hold did it financially make since to only implant one?  We concluded that financially implanting one wouldn't make sense but implanting more then one ethically we couldn't take the risk of- thus implanting none would be our best choice.

What to do with the "left overs."  Again after experiencing infertility the idea of disposing of "left overs" seems so wrong.  I do not ethically go so far as to believe that outside of our bodies these embryos are sustainable; however I also was raised with this notion of waste and that wasting is bad.  In a womans body those embryos are viable.  So I thought I'd have a hard time disposing of them.  We could donate them to science to maybe help understand a host of medical research projects and I'd be happy with that resolution.  We also discussed that we could place them for embryo adoption.  We agreed that the only way we would place them for embryo adoption would be if we could have an open adoption.  Although DH and I both agreed the only way we would "dispose" of the "left overs" would be with embryo adoption we also (yes this is going to sound very selfish but I'm going to say it) felt like it would be challenging to provide the cells which would allow life for another family.  For me I think what I imagine expecting mothers deciding on an adoption plan may have many of the same fears as me: would the child resent me, would this other family love my biology as much as me, would the adoptive family uphold their promise to an open adoption, and my feelings go on.

Then came the letter with the cost break down.  $13-16,000.  For one cycle of IVF.  One 50/50 chance to be granted the chance to become pregnant.  Would we have to do it twice?  $26-32,000.  What is biology worth?  What would I be telling Baby Girl with my actions?  Say we spent $26,000 and still no baby?

So we re-asked the question- what is our ultimate goal?  It is to be loving parents to our children and provide Baby Girl (and Baby2) the love of a sibling.  So we stopped.  I didn't go for my ultrasound or blood work.  We are excitedly completing our paperwork and moving towards a full home and the American Dream- the Happily Ever After.

*This post is ONLY about my opinion on the ethics of IVF.  It does not even touch the bountiful ethical dilemmas of adoption.

Back in the Saddle Again

So we are two timing again.  Thursday afternoon we met with our adoption agency and discussed foster to adopt as well as domestic infant adoption.  DH determined that he does not want to do foster care.  He was willing to learn about it (though both of us due to our jobs already are very informed about they system locally).  We compromised and he agreed that we would not seek a placement via foster care however once our children (yes children) are in middle school he is willing to do respite care for foster care.

Friday we went to a hospital a little over an hour away from home to get a second opinion on our infertility.  Like the original hospital the new doctor felt that DH's motility is poor and there is a chance for antibodies.  She was surprised that the other clinic actually went forward with IUI given the poor washing of the sperm.  For me she was concerned about my thyroid.  My levels are borderline and she indicated that newer research in the past year that has come out would indicate that if my thyroid results are the same today as they were three years ago that I should be treated.  Monday DH goes in for a sperm analysis to determine what we never tested for before: antibodies.  They also will try a different washing technique to see if IUI is even feasible.  I will have blood work done in the next few weeks to test my thyroid as well as have an ultrasound.  We will then meet back and discuss the results.  She wanted to know what our plans were and I was blunt with her saying that I realized that they were in the business of getting women pregnant however first and foremost I want answers.  Second I want data that supports any treatment that we would potentially try.  I ended by telling her that the data had to be strong since adoption is 100% successful*.

Today the packet to update our homestudy came in the mail.  I corrected the initial report and filled out all the forms.  We need doctors appointments, finger prints, copies of birth certificates, marriage license, checks (of course), three letters of recommendation and we need to get started back on a portfolio.  The process though a little less intense since much of the paper work is done seemed like a breeze.  Tonight I had a few "what are we doing" thoughts when I was paying bills, but reality is we have more in savings now then we did when we started the process last time.

In moments of doubt I then think back to an off the cuff conversation I had with DH a few weeks back which I think started the ball rolling again.  We were in the car driving to pick blueberries with Baby Girl when I asked him "If fertility was not an issue for us- Would we be having a second child."  He said "yes." and the conversation ended.

So no matter where these roads take us I'm ready for Baby2.  We already have a cute idea of how we will announce our waiting for Baby2.  I'm excited.  I'm ready for a wait- I'm in no rush and now know the feeling of when its "right."

*There is a chance for a failed adoption and no baby is "guaranteed" but if a family is willing to wait until a match goes into finalization adoption has a 100% success rate.

Open Adoption Roundtable #50 - School

he Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Check out the other responses at Open Adoption Roundtable #50

***

Whether you have children in your home or not, it is hard to miss the fact that it is back-to-school time.  School brings with it a whole host  of things which can be made more complex when adoption is involved, from family tree assignments to meeting new teachers to simple milestones like sharing of first-day-of-school photos.  How has adoption come to the forefront for you when it comes to school?

Write about open adoption and school.

Baby Girls daycare requires us to fill out paperwork at the start of each school year.  Last year I remember agonizing over if I should put that she was adopted on the paper work.  The staff already knew since we had been on the waiting list for two years prior to her arrival.  We had not finalized yet so were we guardians or parents?  Then the question about siblings.  Finally questions about her medical history, and birth all threw me into a tailspin.  

This year the paperwork was much easier.  This year we are legally her parents.  She knows the names of her birth siblings so I included it in case she talks about them.  Her medical history of her time in the NICU is well behind us (though I never included her stay in the NICU on her daycare paperwork).  Her Hep C status is negative.  I'm not sure if I'm getting better at this Adoptive Mama stuff or if the questions were really easier this year.

As an aside in her class there is another boy in her daycare class that is also adopted.  He also by chance is adopted from the same city/state as Baby Girl.  It will be nice to have her have a friend in her class just like her.  :)

Picking off a Scab

I feel like I'm picking off a scab to see if it still hurts.  To see if the wound still bleeds red blood and if I'll be able to not cry this time around.  The wound is still there but healing.  The scar will eventually form I know but I have a bad habit of picking at scabs- I think just to find out if its healed underneath yet.

Tomorrow DH and I are going for a second opinion for our infertility.  We never were given a diagnosis in part by choice but also because I'm not certain that if we got A diagnosis if it really was the only one.  DH's lab work indicated that there was possible antisperm antibodies which may have been a result of a childhood illness.  We could have had the sperm sent to be tested but we chose not to have the test done because it didn't really matter.  The results of that test would have meant our only option would be IVF which we had decided before we were married we would never do (before we even knew the road we would travel).  I'm not convinced though that DH is the only one that is "causing" our infertility.  My menstral cycles are wack.  I spot for a week then I get my flow then I'm off for two weeks before it starts all over again.  Something is just not right but every test I had came back normal.

I have a small desire to be pregnant.  It does not overtake me.  I think I've always yearned more for the end product (the baby) then the process.  I'd love to have some control over the process which adoption does not allow.  A due date would be lovely.  Beyond that- adoption suites me just fine.  I have the most perfect girl who there never had been a doubt of her place in our family and if we adopt again I know my feelings will be exactly the same.  I dont think I'll ever regret not being pregnant but I think I might regret never knowing why.

So tomorrow we pick off the scab to see if infertility still hurts.