I feel like I'm picking off a scab to see if it still hurts. To see if the wound still bleeds red blood and if I'll be able to not cry this time around. The wound is still there but healing. The scar will eventually form I know but I have a bad habit of picking at scabs- I think just to find out if its healed underneath yet.
Tomorrow DH and I are going for a second opinion for our infertility. We never were given a diagnosis in part by choice but also because I'm not certain that if we got A diagnosis if it really was the only one. DH's lab work indicated that there was possible antisperm antibodies which may have been a result of a childhood illness. We could have had the sperm sent to be tested but we chose not to have the test done because it didn't really matter. The results of that test would have meant our only option would be IVF which we had decided before we were married we would never do (before we even knew the road we would travel). I'm not convinced though that DH is the only one that is "causing" our infertility. My menstral cycles are wack. I spot for a week then I get my flow then I'm off for two weeks before it starts all over again. Something is just not right but every test I had came back normal.
I have a small desire to be pregnant. It does not overtake me. I think I've always yearned more for the end product (the baby) then the process. I'd love to have some control over the process which adoption does not allow. A due date would be lovely. Beyond that- adoption suites me just fine. I have the most perfect girl who there never had been a doubt of her place in our family and if we adopt again I know my feelings will be exactly the same. I dont think I'll ever regret not being pregnant but I think I might regret never knowing why.
So tomorrow we pick off the scab to see if infertility still hurts.