Drugs, Addiction and the Hard Facts of Life

My first friend when we moved to the burbs in 4th grade was a boy, and he was my best friend in middle school.  In 8th grade he became my "boyfriend."  Thru high school we kept in touch but were not close.  He went to drinking parties and I was "straight edged."  I wished that he would change and by day we were still friends and I'd try to convince him that drinking wasn't worth his time.  He was my junior prom date and he found great humor in my plan to take the "green limo" the city bus.  He wore his chorus tux and I wore a dress from my grandmothers closet.  He knew how to have fun.  Graduation practice I didn't see him.  I went to his house to tell him that if I was walking- he was too.  He told me he thought it was stupid and wasn't walking.  Turns out he lied- he couldn't walk he didn't graduate.  Freshman year of college every time I'd see him I'd get on him for getting his GED.  He worked odd jobs and at one point we both worked in the mall.  Our social lives were different and he kept me at a distance.

Sophomore year of college I got a call from him asking me to pick him up at a random location in the inner city.  I did it.  He jumped into my car, we drove away and I wanted an explanation.  He was in a half way house because his parents had him committed due to his risk to himself and his addiction.  He was in and out of half way houses, AA and NA.  I never asked him what narcotics he used - I just didn't want to know.  He fell in and out with his parents who were functioning alcoholics, though I always wondered if that was it.  He came to Easter dinner with me one year because he was on the fritz with his parents.  Last I talked to him I finally nagged him enough to get his GED.  He was working for his parents (who also could have used AA) which made me question how wise he was to work there- but I didn't say anything.  It seemed like he finally had pulled himself out of it.

He then was absent from my life- no more random phone calls.  I knew what it meant and I didn't reach out.  I thought of him often.  I thought of him the most as I watched baby girl withdrawal.  I thought of him when I saw J.  J's quick flashy smile and fast talking were all too familiar.  My older sister had random sightings of him around town but no phone calls to me told me everything I already knew- he relapsed because he knew better not to call me when he was actively using.

Tonight I was on the computer to check our bank account status as the mortgage is auto deducted today.  I took a quick peek at facebook and saw his name.  I saw a picture of a familiar candle.  The candle of an obit.  My dear friend Max finally found peace the obit says.  I hope this is true.

Addiction took from me a good friend a long time ago.  I've mourned his loss many times over as I got my hopes up he could overcome it only to have my hopes dashed.  He was exhausting to be friends with yet his charisma and that boy I became friends with was always there.  I loved who I knew he could be and hated who he was.  His charming smile could get him thru any situation.  His ability to be deceptive was hard to not take personally- it was an unfortunate symptom of his addiction.

I dont know the specifics of his death and dont feel like I need to as I already feel like I know.  I refused to call addiction a disease for Max and I did the same for D and J.  Depression and PTSD are medical diagnosis- addiction is the attempt to self medicate.  They all made a series of unfortunate choices which lead them to be overtaken by a chemical dependency.  This obit makes me wonder when I'll read D or J's.

Max was a dear friend who could always make me smile.  He also was a friend who provided me lessons I wish I had never learned.  It took me a while to learn that I couldn't save him though I was always there to encourage him.  I had to learn to tell him not to call unless he was clean and sober.  Our lives took two very different paths and his path ended abruptly and too soon.

I'm going to miss you Max.  In your absence I always wished for another random phone call to hear an update.  Times between calls became longer and longer, but I never changed my phone # because I wanted you to be able to call when you were ready.

What I'd give for one more of those hugs.

A Pumpkin for D and Other News

Baby Girl made a pumpkin at "school" today.  It was hanging on her cubby and it said "Happy Halloween from Baby Girl."  When I picked it up I asked her who she made it for.  She told me that she had made it.  I then asked again who it was for and gave her choices: Oma, Opa, D, Mama, Dada.  She confidently told me "D."  Halloween seems like a big deal for D's family as last year they sent her a card and a small gift.  They posted pictures of her birthsiblings in their costumes.  So I'm glad she picked D.

In other news we still read her adoption story EVERY night per her request.  I did write the story and lived the story so it wasn't hard to memorize but I have it down by heart now.  She also helps tell the story.  She knows her Dada is working on the page that we got the call.  She knows who her birthmom is.  That is the beauty of repetition.  Earlier today we had read it on the toilet so I suggested for bed tonight maybe we could read Chica Chica ABC.  When she agreed I scrambled to find it before she changed her mind.  Chica Chica Boom Boom!

My personal favorite news is Baby girl has gone accident free (at home) since Sunday!!!  We are doing the naked method so as long as she is clothing free on her lower half she takes herself to the toilet without even asking.  Once she has a diaper back on she is perfectly content using the diaper, which seems strange to me since she is in cloth diapers and that can't be comfortable.  I can't believe how much she has grown up.

Baby Book

So for the past few weeks Baby Girl has been asking to read the "Baby Book" nearly every night.  Her "Baby Book" is her adoption story.  I usually read it word for word now.  Her favorite pages is the one where it talks about how DH and I wanted to become parents so we asked our agency for them to help us.  We used our profile book picture from when we waited which has both the dog and cat in the picture.  She loves that her dog and cat are in the book.

When we get to the page about how D and J visited her in the hospital she loves to get me to say the names.  Rapid fire she points and I name.  She comes and goes on her ability to say their names.  The picture on her wall with her birthsiblings and her is also in the book.  On the wall she can point to them when I ask her where each of them are.  In the book she doesn't.  Tonight she exclaimed her birthbrotheres name and pointed to J.

It all will come.  I know she has done better with my parents after our recent visit so I think one trip to visit her birth family this spring will solidify that the pictures of people on her wall and in the book are real people.  At this point she loves to hear about the baby (who I know she doesn't get is her).

I know the books importance will change as she gets older.  I just love that she likes to read it.

Profile Book- DONE

October 7th 2010 we officially started waiting.  October 8, 2013 I submitted our profile book to be printed.  It will likely be another month before our interview/home study but its getting close.  I wrote in our "Dear Birthparent Letter"/Dear Expectant Parent letter (I avoided Dear anything because thats just not my style) that I felt that writing the letter was no easier the second time around.  In fact I think it was harder.  Now as a Mom I feel like I don't know what to say to a woman that is considering me as the mother of her child.

As I did last time I am posting my Dear Birthparent letter in hopes it might help someone else.  What I have learned in writing two is there is no right/wrong.  You are who you are.  (Well i guess there is wrong but you have to be totally out of touch with open adoption, and well I'm sure there are some out there.  If you are reading my blog you probably educated on open adoption and its benefits and have some idea of adoption friendly language).  I also can't stress enough about making sure you speak to the expectant parents as they are making a decision for their baby.  You can speak of your hopes and dreams for your baby but they are not one in the same.  Many parents will read your book before the ones that choose you read it.  Some that read your book will choose to parent, others will choose other adoptive parents, and one will pick you.

Hello,

Our names are X and Y.  Our daughter's name is Z but we call her Baby Girl.  Thank you for taking the time to read our book.  We hope that in the next few pages you will get to know us.  We cannot imagine how difficult this journey has been for you, but we respect that you are making a decision that is best for you and your baby.  This process is not new to us since Baby Girl also was adopted as an infant, though writing this book is just as hard to write the second time as it was the first time.  We realize that in a few short pages you will know more about us but we still likely will not have answered all our questions.  We will do our best to answer the questions we think you might want answered but look forward to an opportunity to meet you.  So here it goes...

So how did we get to the point where we are writing this letter to you?  Early in our dating relationship we talked about having a family.  Soon after we were married we began trying to conceive a child but learned we could not.  We always knew we wanted to adopt children so we contacted (our agency).  After 15 months of waiting we became parents to Baby Girl.  Baby Girl will be two in January 2014 and we are excited to make our family complete.

Baby Girls adoption is a semi-open adoption in which we exchange letters and pictures via the adoption agency.  We also get a chance to visit with her family once a year.  This plan was established with us and Baby Girls birthparents when we first met.  We would hope to work with our future birth parents* to establish an open adoption plan that works for both of our families.

We are excited to be parents again and Baby Girl, as best she understands, thinks she will make a good big sister.  The most amazing thing about children is learning from them and seeing life through new eyes.  As we already do with Baby Girl we plan to continue to speak openly about adoption with our next child and believe that he/she should always know you and experience your love. 

We concluded our book this time and last time with the following as our way of saying- we appreciate you taking the time to read our book, but we also know that reading our book does not mean you have decided to create an adoption plan.  I dont think I fully got there but it is never my intention to parent a child another woman is able to/wants to parent:

Thank you for taking the time to get to know us and learning of our journey to create our family.  We know you will make the best decision for you and your baby.  We would be honored to take the time to get to know you and understand your journey as well.

*I went back and forth as to write expectant mother/birth parents for this sentence.  I chose birth parents because as it has been with Baby Girl the open adoption plan has morphed over time.  I wanted it to be clear that our planning for openness is not just determined prior to birth but it is a process that will change as our relationship grows.

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

50% Off

Nothing like a coupon to motivate me to get the profile book done.  I have a 50% off coupon for photo books on Shutterfly.  The catch- the project has to be done by Wednesday.

So as of right now all the pictures are in.  The draft text is in.  Now I just have to do the backgrounds.  Get a little feedback from the agency and we are DONE!  This baby thing is getting real!

Baby Girl has been sick since Friday and last night she woke up vomiting.  She had the worst night in I can't remember how long.  I think I maybe got 4 hours of sleep.  I woke up thinking- Do I REALLY want a second?  Guess so?!


Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

Application Submitted and now my thoughts

So I dropped off the packet yesterday afternoon.  Since the finger prints are time sensitive and only held in the computer for 45 days they let me turn in the application minus my medical form being completed.  They wont schedule our home visit until after my physician report is turned in and we wont become active until after our home visit is completed.  So we are looking at mid-November/December for go live!

The process doesn't feel as real to me this time.  Like last time I have had panic moments where I wonder how financially we are going to make this happen.  This time I also have panic moments when I wonder how I'm going to rangle two kids at once.

We are being more restrictive this go around so likely the wait will be longer.  We are not in a position for me to be 10 hours away for a month.

I need to talk to daycare to find out if they can be flexible with their policy regarding paying for a spot starting when it is offered to you.  If they are not flexible there is no way financially I can stay home for 12 weeks on maternity leave.  I hope with that information they are willing to realize to circumstances of Adoption are different then a planned pregnancy.  I'm not holding my breath.

Oh and Shutterfly has a 50% off coupon this week that ends Wed so I am bound and determined to get the book done!!

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested

Classmates

So this spring I saw a picture of the new boy in Baby Girls classroom.  I knew immediately who it was.  I had only met the boy once in line at HomeGoods.  He had cute brown curls, big eyes, and caramel skin.  I'd never forget that face.  So why did this brown eyed boy make such a big impression on me?

While standing in that HomeGoods line Baby Girl and him had a baby chat.  His Mom was familiar but I couldn't place her.  Swim class? No.  Library?  No.  Play Group?  No.  I couldn't place her.  I got similar glances back as the two continued to chat and her and I paid at our registers.  How did i know her?

As she left the store towards her car and I started to head towards mine it hit me.  Adoption Support Group!

So months later I saw his picture.  I did the math based on how old he was when we met him in HomeGoods and the age on the picture.  It matched.  A few days later his Dad picked him up.  I tried not to gawk but I was certain I had everything right.  I had DH give me his opinion- yes definetly same family.

Baby Girl only went to daycare 4 days and the classmate only went 2 which gave them only one common day together.  There wasn't an opportunity to stop them and chat until the art gallery night.

I went up to his mom and shyly introduced myself and asked if she remembered me.  I could see the mental check list: swim class? Library? Play group?  WHAT?!  I then said our agency name.  Instantly her face lit up and we connected.  Her boy was adopted three months before Baby Girl.  He was also born out of state in the same city as Baby Girl.

So our town is small- what are the chances of two adoptive parents in the same class?  Not bad odds.  What I love is that not only does she have another friend that has a birthmom/dad and a mom/dad they were born in the same town just months apart.  I love that Baby Girl isn't the only one in her class that is adopted.

We have not had a chance to connect again so tonight I sat down and wrote a card.  I hope we can spend some time together sharing our experiences out of state while giving our two toddlers a chance to play!

Home Study Check List:
Review original home study
Home Visit
Physician Report- Me
Physician Report- DH
Finger Prints- Me
Finger Prints- DH
Birth Certificate Copy Me
Birth Certificate Copy DH
Marriage License
Profile Book
Letters of recommendation requested